Many of you have asked. It may not be the best picture, but here is evidence that I do, in fact:
a. own a dress
b. clean up sufficiently
c. drink far too much wine at weddings
d. point at people for no reason
9/29/2006
Lost Wages
Alright people, pay up.
Many of you have asked. It may not be the best picture, but here is evidence that I do, in fact:
a. own a dress
b. clean up sufficiently
c. drink far too much wine at weddings
d. point at people for no reason
Many of you have asked. It may not be the best picture, but here is evidence that I do, in fact:
a. own a dress
b. clean up sufficiently
c. drink far too much wine at weddings
d. point at people for no reason
9/26/2006
Sprechen Sie Deutsche?
Every morning I eagerly tear off of the previous day’s German lesson from my page-a-day calendar in hopes of uncovering a new linguistic nugget that will enlighten me and enrich my intellect. And every day I am disappointed by the useless phrase I am being taught. This thing is for the birds I tell you!
This dumb calendar doesn’t teach simple, valuable German phrases that could benefit a weary traveler or even anyone curious about a new language. What it teaches are stupid phrases that very few people need to use in their native language -- much less when learning a new one!
So if you’re interested in learning any of the following, you’re in luck:
-He is very thrifty.
-I want to grow old gracefully.
-That movie got bad reviews.
-He has a golden voice.
-I have to lose a few pounds.
-Children should not be too sheltered.
-That’s old hat.
-Did you change the clocks?
-Moral standards are declining.
-He flopped/failed the exam.
And I’ve still got 3 months of this! These are the essential German phrases to teach a dumb American sitting in a cubicle each day? Has anyone new to speaking German ever asked, “Did you change the clocks?”
And the worst part of it is they couldn’t even come up with 365 crap phrases to translate! Saturdays/Sundays are combined, and the phrases repeat every few months. I’m pretty sure I learned “You must have gone at a snail’s pace” in April.
So here are some phrases that I think should be covered in the calendar:
-Oh no, thank you, I filled up on schnitzel.
-Baby you look great in your lederhosen.
-They sang “Take My Breath Away” from Top Gun – perhaps have you heard of them?
-I’m sorry, that’s just not how I wave to people.
-Is your refrigerator broken? My beer is warm.
-What’s the deal with Bavarian Cream Pie?
-You have magnetic levitation trains that exceed 200 mph. We have, uh, Amtrak and the Monorail at Disney.
-Farfegnugen, dude!
-Just to clarify, Audubon/Autobahn – not the same thing?
So I’m writing these in as suggestions. In the meantime I will be busy learning how to say “Let that be a lesson to you.”
So, my dear friends, Lass dir das eine Lehre sein!
This calendar is useless.
This dumb calendar doesn’t teach simple, valuable German phrases that could benefit a weary traveler or even anyone curious about a new language. What it teaches are stupid phrases that very few people need to use in their native language -- much less when learning a new one!
So if you’re interested in learning any of the following, you’re in luck:
-He is very thrifty.
-I want to grow old gracefully.
-That movie got bad reviews.
-He has a golden voice.
-I have to lose a few pounds.
-Children should not be too sheltered.
-That’s old hat.
-Did you change the clocks?
-Moral standards are declining.
-He flopped/failed the exam.
And I’ve still got 3 months of this! These are the essential German phrases to teach a dumb American sitting in a cubicle each day? Has anyone new to speaking German ever asked, “Did you change the clocks?”
And the worst part of it is they couldn’t even come up with 365 crap phrases to translate! Saturdays/Sundays are combined, and the phrases repeat every few months. I’m pretty sure I learned “You must have gone at a snail’s pace” in April.
So here are some phrases that I think should be covered in the calendar:
-Oh no, thank you, I filled up on schnitzel.
-Baby you look great in your lederhosen.
-They sang “Take My Breath Away” from Top Gun – perhaps have you heard of them?
-I’m sorry, that’s just not how I wave to people.
-Is your refrigerator broken? My beer is warm.
-What’s the deal with Bavarian Cream Pie?
-You have magnetic levitation trains that exceed 200 mph. We have, uh, Amtrak and the Monorail at Disney.
-Farfegnugen, dude!
-Just to clarify, Audubon/Autobahn – not the same thing?
So I’m writing these in as suggestions. In the meantime I will be busy learning how to say “Let that be a lesson to you.”
So, my dear friends, Lass dir das eine Lehre sein!
This calendar is useless.
9/25/2006
Some Things I Really Shouldn’t Say
These are little ones:
"I’m easy." I mean it in the sense of “That’s fine” or “Sure, why not?” But it just doesn’t sound good. And while it may be true that I am, in fact, a little easy, there is certainly no need to advertise it…unless, well, never mind.
"Like." If I’m creating similes, this is great. But otherwise it is like wearing bi-focals to a 3-D movie (would that make it 6-D?). It is just a bad idea! It sneaks in there though, and it makes me sound 15. Every so often I find myself saying, “And I was, like, what did you say?” How old am I? And better yet, like, how dumb am I?
This is the big one (Hold on to your halos everybody!):
"Jesus F*cking Christ!" Apparently, I’ve decided that Jesus needs a middle name, and I’ve searched high and low for the most offensive one out there. Oh what I wouldn’t give for a middle name like that! Nobody ever says, “Hey, buddy, Ann off!” or “Dude, we were Anning like Banshees.” Ann sucks.
But anyway, there are 2 reasons I shouldn’t say this (as if it isn’t obvious):
1. If I recall correctly, 80-85% of Americans identify as Christians. So I figure it is possible to offend 246.5 million Americans in one fell swoop. Imagine that! If I tried really hard I think I could do it. But in the meantime, I guess I could limit my offensive language and make nice with the world.
2. Christianity isn’t exactly my thing. When people sing “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” I don’t budge an inch. But at the same time maybe I don’t have to screw myself out of all the good after-life opportunities either. I figure if I am wrong, this one is big enough to come back and really bite me in the ass.
I picture myself at the gates with that dude and the harps and the Twinkies and Olsen twins and whatever else is supposed to be there. Enter the video footage -- me on Rt 9 screaming “Jesus F*cking Christ” to the slow drivers every single day for 7,856 days. That’s bound to hinder my access to eternal life somehow. (Good God … I mean, Holy Crap… I mean, Wow, they’re really strict, huh?)
9/22/2006
Great Minds Think Alike
It's funny how two people can have similar, though rather odd, experiences. A friend sent this email after my post this week.
The subject was "Regarding Turtles..." (and of course this is posted with her permission).
_________________
Honest to God (capital G or small g.. hmmmm.), anyway, for 3 days last week as I’ve left my condo complex there has been this object on the lawn near the entrance. Every day I’ve strained to determine what it was and was positive it was a (rather large for New England) turtle. It was a dark, olivey color with that "turtle pattern" on it’s back. Finally, by day 4 of this "ritual" I realized that it couldn’t possibly be a turtle because it hadn’t moved from the exact same spot in four days.
Why didn’t I realize this on day two? As you so eloquently put earlier today is it the Polish or Southern exposure in me? (I can’t claim the trifecta as I’ve never been blonde – but have thought about it!)
p.s. – I finally figured out that it was some sort of ball that was either cut in half or half deflated.
___________________
Perhaps it's contagious.
The subject was "Regarding Turtles..." (and of course this is posted with her permission).
_________________
Honest to God (capital G or small g.. hmmmm.), anyway, for 3 days last week as I’ve left my condo complex there has been this object on the lawn near the entrance. Every day I’ve strained to determine what it was and was positive it was a (rather large for New England) turtle. It was a dark, olivey color with that "turtle pattern" on it’s back. Finally, by day 4 of this "ritual" I realized that it couldn’t possibly be a turtle because it hadn’t moved from the exact same spot in four days.
Why didn’t I realize this on day two? As you so eloquently put earlier today is it the Polish or Southern exposure in me? (I can’t claim the trifecta as I’ve never been blonde – but have thought about it!)
p.s. – I finally figured out that it was some sort of ball that was either cut in half or half deflated.
___________________
Perhaps it's contagious.
9/21/2006
4:45 AM
Dear “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?”,
Were you feeling left out? You know, it’s usually an audio replay of the day – an encounter at work, a witty comment, an insightful discussion. It could be a meaningless internal debate about, say, the hazards of driving a street cleaner while intoxicated. It is song lyrics, questions, pictures, etc. But this? This is a first for you to enter my mind.
And we just spent time together on the drive to work yesterday morning. Wasn’t that enough? I even hummed along to you! Did I make you feel loved? Are you that needy, “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?”
Just to be clear, I didn’t appreciate your company this morning. Since you were an uninvited guest, you could at least come at a reasonable hour. But 4:45 AM is not reasonable! How can I go back to sleep with you just hanging around repeating yourself?
You're not horribe, I suppose, though I prefer other members of the R.E.M family (Orange Crush, Losing My Religion, The One I Love, and Nightswimming). So you’re catchy and cute with roots in Georgia – what’s not to like, you might ask? Well I’ll tell you, buddy -- you’re a noisy song, and quite frankly, I don’t understand you!
We’ve known one another for years, but this is all I have gotten out of you:
What’s the frequency, Kenneth (ok, that’s a giveaway since it’s your name)
Did you (something something)
Uh huh
You are a (something something something something) uh huh
(something something) hesitation
I can’t understand
(something something) violent things
Uh huh
I don’t understand
(something something) expectation
Looking (something something)
Uh huh
Um… What?
If you’re going to interrupt my sleep, can you please be a comprehensible song like Amazing Grace, Son of a Preacher Man, or Stand By Me? You know those are my favorites!
So yeah, “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?”, I’ve been up since 4:45 because of you, and you’ve been in my head ever since. I suppose I should thank you because you provided time for me to shave my legs, get gas, eat breakfast, and buy a delicious iced coffee. But I’m too tired for that.
You are a (something something something something) uh huh
I think I could fill in the blanks for this one.
9/20/2006
Two Turtle Duhs
I’m losing my mind. Both yesterday and today while driving to work I thought, “Hey, look a turtle!”
So twice I have spotted a blob on the side of the road and honestly thought was a turtle. Now, I suppose that would be reasonable if (a) turtles often enjoyed the morning sun in the breakdown lane of Rt 128, (b) if on the second day I hadn’t spotted the same “turtle” I realized wasn’t a turtle the first day, or (c) what I saw actually resembled a turtle.
But unfortunately, none of these is true. So yeah. I’m losing my mind.
(And I don’t mean to alarm you, but I think there is a turtle on your shoulder.)
So twice I have spotted a blob on the side of the road and honestly thought was a turtle. Now, I suppose that would be reasonable if (a) turtles often enjoyed the morning sun in the breakdown lane of Rt 128, (b) if on the second day I hadn’t spotted the same “turtle” I realized wasn’t a turtle the first day, or (c) what I saw actually resembled a turtle.
But unfortunately, none of these is true. So yeah. I’m losing my mind.
(And I don’t mean to alarm you, but I think there is a turtle on your shoulder.)
9/19/2006
Survey Says!
Here are the fascinating results. I'm sure you have spent many sleepless nights awaiting these:
1 Melissa’s middle name is:
a Ann
b Peabody
c Allah (but wouldn't that be great?)
d Latoya
e Ralph
2 Melissa is turned off by people who:
a Use bad grammar or have little interest in learning
b Dominate conversations with celebrity gossip
c Are frequently late
d Are generally rude to strangers
e Don't like her blog (is that possible?)
f All of the above
3 Which of the following is Melissa least likely to do:
a Create a self-indulgent quiz
b Join the Joan Rivers fan club (I seriously hate this woman, see #2b)
c Say "no thanks" when offered something chocolate
d Stay awake and remain coherent during a 3 hour movie (true, but not the least likely...now can someone please tell me how Titanic ends?)
4 Which of the following has Melissa not worn:
a A giant Subway sandwich costume in hometown parades and promotions (sad but true)
b A t-shirt of a cow with a bubble coming out of his butt and the quote, "You've been eating my bubble gum again, haven't you?" (true again)
c A "Blair & Jo Were Totally Doin' It" t-shirt referencing The Facts of Life (they totally were! but I never owned the shirt)
d A very sheer white bra referred to as the "nipple bra" used to torment her old roommate Lauren (no wonder she moved)
5 Melissa's theory of "merit-based driving" asserts that:
a Only older drivers should be allowed to drive at night
b She has earned the right to have everyone drive her around (but haven't I?)
c Qualified, good drivers should be able to break minor traffic rules as they deem necessary
d Speed limits should never apply to drivers with no traffic violations
6 When the family dog was put to sleep, Melissa referred to this as:
a Sending Buffy to doggie heaven
b Giving that bitch Buffy what she deserved
c Dr. Kervorkian at his best
d Giving Buffy the Ol' McVeigh (RIP Buffy!)
7 Melissa's brother lives:
a Under the sea in an Octopus' Garden (please, like an octopus would share his garden with my dumb brother)
b In Biosphere 17
c In France
d In Poland
e Under the pseudonym Mike Fliggersby because he is embarrased by his family
8 Melissa is most frustrated by:
a Stupid things that should work but don't freakin' work because they are stupid (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRG!)
b The fact that Pluto lost official planet status
c Her inability to master the triple axle for her number in Disney on Ice (I'm over this now)
d Her disappointing 47th place finish in the Betty Crocker Blueberry Muffin Bake Off (I was robbed)
e The fact that no newscasters ever sneeze on camera
9 Melissa once placed a personal ad with the heading:
a Warm, sensitive, loving (not true, not so much, definitely not)
b Come and get it, Big Mamma
c Still looking for the right one
d No wackos, no mullets (outcome: mullet? no, wacko? debatable)
e Yes….they're real
10 Melissa has strong opinions about:
a People with stuffed animals in the back of their cars
b Guitar players who are unable to tune their guitar by ear
c How the world would be a better place if we could always wear jeans (Am I wrong?)
d How the media sucks because "that is not news!"
e All of the above (among countless others)
And just for fun: Melissa loves the 1-year-old twins because:
a 9 times out of 10 she can beat them in chess
b Nobody can be sure who really farted when they are around (no comment)
c They have great insight into the Middle East Crisis
d Stealing their candy is easy
e Driving them around makes her eligible for the HOV lane
1 Melissa’s middle name is:
a Ann
b Peabody
c Allah (but wouldn't that be great?)
d Latoya
e Ralph
2 Melissa is turned off by people who:
a Use bad grammar or have little interest in learning
b Dominate conversations with celebrity gossip
c Are frequently late
d Are generally rude to strangers
e Don't like her blog (is that possible?)
f All of the above
3 Which of the following is Melissa least likely to do:
a Create a self-indulgent quiz
b Join the Joan Rivers fan club (I seriously hate this woman, see #2b)
c Say "no thanks" when offered something chocolate
d Stay awake and remain coherent during a 3 hour movie (true, but not the least likely...now can someone please tell me how Titanic ends?)
4 Which of the following has Melissa not worn:
a A giant Subway sandwich costume in hometown parades and promotions (sad but true)
b A t-shirt of a cow with a bubble coming out of his butt and the quote, "You've been eating my bubble gum again, haven't you?" (true again)
c A "Blair & Jo Were Totally Doin' It" t-shirt referencing The Facts of Life (they totally were! but I never owned the shirt)
d A very sheer white bra referred to as the "nipple bra" used to torment her old roommate Lauren (no wonder she moved)
5 Melissa's theory of "merit-based driving" asserts that:
a Only older drivers should be allowed to drive at night
b She has earned the right to have everyone drive her around (but haven't I?)
c Qualified, good drivers should be able to break minor traffic rules as they deem necessary
d Speed limits should never apply to drivers with no traffic violations
6 When the family dog was put to sleep, Melissa referred to this as:
a Sending Buffy to doggie heaven
b Giving that bitch Buffy what she deserved
c Dr. Kervorkian at his best
d Giving Buffy the Ol' McVeigh (RIP Buffy!)
7 Melissa's brother lives:
a Under the sea in an Octopus' Garden (please, like an octopus would share his garden with my dumb brother)
b In Biosphere 17
c In France
d In Poland
e Under the pseudonym Mike Fliggersby because he is embarrased by his family
8 Melissa is most frustrated by:
a Stupid things that should work but don't freakin' work because they are stupid (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRG!)
b The fact that Pluto lost official planet status
c Her inability to master the triple axle for her number in Disney on Ice (I'm over this now)
d Her disappointing 47th place finish in the Betty Crocker Blueberry Muffin Bake Off (I was robbed)
e The fact that no newscasters ever sneeze on camera
9 Melissa once placed a personal ad with the heading:
a Warm, sensitive, loving (not true, not so much, definitely not)
b Come and get it, Big Mamma
c Still looking for the right one
d No wackos, no mullets (outcome: mullet? no, wacko? debatable)
e Yes….they're real
10 Melissa has strong opinions about:
a People with stuffed animals in the back of their cars
b Guitar players who are unable to tune their guitar by ear
c How the world would be a better place if we could always wear jeans (Am I wrong?)
d How the media sucks because "that is not news!"
e All of the above (among countless others)
And just for fun: Melissa loves the 1-year-old twins because:
a 9 times out of 10 she can beat them in chess
b Nobody can be sure who really farted when they are around (no comment)
c They have great insight into the Middle East Crisis
d Stealing their candy is easy
e Driving them around makes her eligible for the HOV lane
9/18/2006
Lightbulb Malfunction
Sometimes I think I have great ideas. Then I realize it's just my internal lightbulb malfunctioning again.
It seems my quiz was far less than the runaway success I hoped it would be. Oh well. I did get a few responses (thanks guys!) and may create a spotlight or two when I reveal the correct answers in coming days.
As with everything else, this experience has given me time to reflect. I realized something -- I have had quite a few dumb ideas in my life!
Here are some of them:
- I once thought it would be cool to have my digital clock blinking the correct time instead of simply showing it. So I unplugged it and waited until midnight to plug it back in. I didn’t set the time, and my hope was that the blinking time would correspond with real time. It didn’t work. Dumb idea.
- I once thought it would be a good idea for my sister to put highlights in my hair. I figured (1) I’m cheap, (2) I’m low-maintenance, and (3) my hair has many colors, is different lengths and is somewhat curly -- what could go wrong?
Yep, so it was Christmas Eve that my sister decided to take out all her aggression on me. Apparently there had been quite a build up! The highlights were a disaster – totally uneven, too chunky, too blonde.
Since I had few options for hair repair on Christmas day and refused to go back to work on the 26th looking like an idiot, we came up with Plan B: re-dye my hair its “natural” color to cover the highlights.
Plan B turned out to be Part B of a really bad idea. My hair looked a little like copper wires exploding from a dust buster. So back to real life and back to work I went with one horrible uni-color on my head! Dumb idea.
- I once tried to kiss a very pretty girl while pumping beer from a keg at a party. As my clouded memory indicates, it wasn’t *exactly* a success. Who knew this wasn’t a romantic gesture! Stupid idea. (But for the record, this would work very well on me if anyone wants to give it a shot…)
- I once (yesterday) ordered spinach (probably tainted) at a restaurant (where they serve raw fish) despite widespread (on every single newscast) warnings of the risks (E Coli, not a pleasant experience). So far, so good, but not so smart.
Stupid lightbulb.
9/13/2006
A Reflection
My grandmother passed away this weekend. She was an interesting woman – a clever spitfire with a fond appreciation for beer and cigarettes and a competitive game of pinochle. I wouldn’t describe her as soft and gentle, but the truth is her spunk is what made her great. She spoke her mind and didn’t let anyone get in her way. And she loved her 15 grandchildren.
My grandmother’s death has provided time for reflection, and I’ve discovered a few things:
1. Life is short and precious.
2. Saying “I love you” is essential.
3. I have nothing to wear to a funeral.
Now I could babble incessantly about numbers 1 & 2, but who doesn’t know that already? These are the deep conclusions that everyone comes to at certain times in life. They are the closing lines of movies, themes evident in great works of fiction. They are the choruses to rock ballads and love songs, the impetus for subtle poetry.
And they are probably underscored in the visual arts somehow too, but I’m not one for staring at Jackson Pollack paint splatters or something called a “bust” to discover a truth that could otherwise be gleaned from a fortune cookie.
As for number 3 though, this is a very important discovery for me. I really have nothing to wear!
So, ok, I have no funeral attire. However, I DO own plenty of other activity-specific apparel, such as:
“I really should join a gym” swimming suits
“Prepare to gorge thyself” elastic-waist pants
“Another one bites the dust” summer wedding dress
“Stupid mosquito!” camping pants
“Please hire me so I can afford a better suit” cheap interview suit
“No I’m not homeless, but I am washing all my good clothes” ketchup-stained laundry outfit
and most importantly…
“Dear Lord I hope I get lucky” undergarments
See, I'm prepared for many occasions! I’m hoping to redeem myself somehow for not being a “real” adult and lacking the essential attire for all the curves that life throws me. So I own no funeral clothes – does that make me such a bad person?
I’m not sure how my family will react to seeing me in my camping pants and bikini top at the service, but I think they will forgive me. I guess that brings me to the fourth thing I have discovered:
4. Love is unconditional. (Well, at least I hope...)
My grandmother’s death has provided time for reflection, and I’ve discovered a few things:
1. Life is short and precious.
2. Saying “I love you” is essential.
3. I have nothing to wear to a funeral.
Now I could babble incessantly about numbers 1 & 2, but who doesn’t know that already? These are the deep conclusions that everyone comes to at certain times in life. They are the closing lines of movies, themes evident in great works of fiction. They are the choruses to rock ballads and love songs, the impetus for subtle poetry.
And they are probably underscored in the visual arts somehow too, but I’m not one for staring at Jackson Pollack paint splatters or something called a “bust” to discover a truth that could otherwise be gleaned from a fortune cookie.
As for number 3 though, this is a very important discovery for me. I really have nothing to wear!
So, ok, I have no funeral attire. However, I DO own plenty of other activity-specific apparel, such as:
“I really should join a gym” swimming suits
“Prepare to gorge thyself” elastic-waist pants
“Another one bites the dust” summer wedding dress
“Stupid mosquito!” camping pants
“Please hire me so I can afford a better suit” cheap interview suit
“No I’m not homeless, but I am washing all my good clothes” ketchup-stained laundry outfit
and most importantly…
“Dear Lord I hope I get lucky” undergarments
See, I'm prepared for many occasions! I’m hoping to redeem myself somehow for not being a “real” adult and lacking the essential attire for all the curves that life throws me. So I own no funeral clothes – does that make me such a bad person?
I’m not sure how my family will react to seeing me in my camping pants and bikini top at the service, but I think they will forgive me. I guess that brings me to the fourth thing I have discovered:
4. Love is unconditional. (Well, at least I hope...)
9/11/2006
Spotlight!
I was thinking it would be fun to spotlight some friends or family members in upcoming posts. Here is my plan:
I have created a quiz to test your knowledge about, well, uh, me (but I don’t really care about that). I have also included two bonuses, which are all about you.
So how about this…
- You read the post
- You email me your responses to the bonus (work is fine or lastnamefirstname@yahoo.com). Feel free to answer the questions about me if you'd like! That would be fun, and I'll post the answers one day.
- Based on the what you send, I’ll spotlight someone on a new post.
- Don’t worry, I have no plan for this, so it can be as vague or detailed, funny, serious, etc as you like, and you would of course give the ok for it
Sound good??? I look forward to your responses…and PLEASE play!
(And yes, if you read my 2nd post, you’ll recall I do have this kind of free time)
_______________________________________________________
1 Melissa’s middle name is:
a Ann
b Peabody
c Allah
d Latoya
e Ralph
2 Melissa is turned off by people who:
a Use bad grammar or have little interest in learning
b Dominate conversations with celebrity gossip
c Are frequently late
d Are generally rude to strangers
e Don't like her blog
f All of the above
3 Which of the following is Melissa least likely to do:
a Create a self-indulgent quiz
b Join the Joan Rivers fan club
c Say "no thanks" when offered something chocolate
d Stay awake and remain coherent during a 3 hour movie
4 Which of the following has Melissa not worn:
a A giant Subway sandwich costume in hometown parades and promotions
b A t-shirt of a cow with a bubble coming out of his butt and the quote, "You've been eating my bubble gum again, haven't you?"
c A "Blair & Jo Were Totally Doin' It" t-shirt referencing The Facts of Life
d A very sheer white bra referred to as the "nipple bra" used to torment her old roommate Lauren
5 Melissa's theory of "merit-based driving" asserts that:
a Only older drivers should be allowed to drive at night
b She has earned the right to have everyone drive her around
c Qualified, good drivers should be able to break minor traffic rules as they deem necessary
d Speed limits should never apply to drivers with no traffic violations
6 When the family dog was put to sleep, Melissa referred to this as:
a Sending Buffy to doggie heaven
b Giving that bitch Buffy what she deserved
c Dr. Kervorkian at his best
d Giving Buffy the Ol' McVeigh
7 Melissa's brother lives:
a Under the sea in an Octopus' Garden
b In Biosphere 17
c In France
d In Poland
e Under the pseudonym Mike Fliggersby because he is embarrased by his family
8 Melissa is most frustrated by:
a Stupid things that should work but don't freakin' work because they are stupid
b The fact that Pluto lost official planet status
c Her inability to master the triple axle for her number in Disney on Ice
d Her disappointing 47th place finish in the Betty Crocker Blueberry Muffin Bake Off
e The fact that no newscasters ever sneeze on camera
9 Melissa once placed a personal ad with the heading:
a Warm, sensitive, loving
b Come and get it, Big Mamma
c Still looking for the right one
d No wackos, no mullets
e Yes….they're real
10 Melissa has strong opinions about:
a People with stuffed animals in the back of their cars
b Guitar players who are unable to tune their guitar by ear
c How the world would be a better place if we could always wear jeans
d How the media sucks because "that is not news!"
e All of the above (among countless others)
And just for fun: Melissa loves the 1-year-old twins because:
a 9 times out of 10 she can beat them in chess
b Nobody can be sure who really farted when they are around
c They have great insight into the Middle East Crisis
d Stealing their candy is easy
e Driving them around makes her eligible for the HOV lane
Now it is your turn. This is all about you (mmm…sort of):
Bonus 1: Create 2-3 quiz questions about you! Interesting is good, clever is better.
__________
Again I'll say: Sound good??? I look forward to your responses…and PLEASE play!
I have created a quiz to test your knowledge about, well, uh, me (but I don’t really care about that). I have also included two bonuses, which are all about you.
So how about this…
- You read the post
- You email me your responses to the bonus (work is fine or lastnamefirstname@yahoo.com). Feel free to answer the questions about me if you'd like! That would be fun, and I'll post the answers one day.
- Based on the what you send, I’ll spotlight someone on a new post.
- Don’t worry, I have no plan for this, so it can be as vague or detailed, funny, serious, etc as you like, and you would of course give the ok for it
Sound good??? I look forward to your responses…and PLEASE play!
(And yes, if you read my 2nd post, you’ll recall I do have this kind of free time)
_______________________________________________________
1 Melissa’s middle name is:
a Ann
b Peabody
c Allah
d Latoya
e Ralph
2 Melissa is turned off by people who:
a Use bad grammar or have little interest in learning
b Dominate conversations with celebrity gossip
c Are frequently late
d Are generally rude to strangers
e Don't like her blog
f All of the above
3 Which of the following is Melissa least likely to do:
a Create a self-indulgent quiz
b Join the Joan Rivers fan club
c Say "no thanks" when offered something chocolate
d Stay awake and remain coherent during a 3 hour movie
4 Which of the following has Melissa not worn:
a A giant Subway sandwich costume in hometown parades and promotions
b A t-shirt of a cow with a bubble coming out of his butt and the quote, "You've been eating my bubble gum again, haven't you?"
c A "Blair & Jo Were Totally Doin' It" t-shirt referencing The Facts of Life
d A very sheer white bra referred to as the "nipple bra" used to torment her old roommate Lauren
5 Melissa's theory of "merit-based driving" asserts that:
a Only older drivers should be allowed to drive at night
b She has earned the right to have everyone drive her around
c Qualified, good drivers should be able to break minor traffic rules as they deem necessary
d Speed limits should never apply to drivers with no traffic violations
6 When the family dog was put to sleep, Melissa referred to this as:
a Sending Buffy to doggie heaven
b Giving that bitch Buffy what she deserved
c Dr. Kervorkian at his best
d Giving Buffy the Ol' McVeigh
7 Melissa's brother lives:
a Under the sea in an Octopus' Garden
b In Biosphere 17
c In France
d In Poland
e Under the pseudonym Mike Fliggersby because he is embarrased by his family
8 Melissa is most frustrated by:
a Stupid things that should work but don't freakin' work because they are stupid
b The fact that Pluto lost official planet status
c Her inability to master the triple axle for her number in Disney on Ice
d Her disappointing 47th place finish in the Betty Crocker Blueberry Muffin Bake Off
e The fact that no newscasters ever sneeze on camera
9 Melissa once placed a personal ad with the heading:
a Warm, sensitive, loving
b Come and get it, Big Mamma
c Still looking for the right one
d No wackos, no mullets
e Yes….they're real
10 Melissa has strong opinions about:
a People with stuffed animals in the back of their cars
b Guitar players who are unable to tune their guitar by ear
c How the world would be a better place if we could always wear jeans
d How the media sucks because "that is not news!"
e All of the above (among countless others)
And just for fun: Melissa loves the 1-year-old twins because:
a 9 times out of 10 she can beat them in chess
b Nobody can be sure who really farted when they are around
c They have great insight into the Middle East Crisis
d Stealing their candy is easy
e Driving them around makes her eligible for the HOV lane
Now it is your turn. This is all about you (mmm…sort of):
Bonus 1: Create 2-3 quiz questions about you! Interesting is good, clever is better.
and/or
Bonus 2: Send me an interesting or funny digital picture of you that gives good insight into your personality, interests, or lifestyle. Don't worry, I won't post it (unless you want me to).__________
Again I'll say: Sound good??? I look forward to your responses…and PLEASE play!
9/08/2006
Confessional
- I carry a bag into work everyday. But there really isn’t anything in there.
- I confuse Meryl Streep and Glenn Close.
- I cheated in a “bobbing for apples” contest in the 2nd grade.
- It took me far too many years to understand the concept of a “raincheck.”
- I am the only person under 112 who loves Andy Rooney, read and enjoyed My War, and often agrees wholeheartedly with his commentary.
- My dad calls me BabyKid.
- I am convinced I suffer from "finger dyslexia"-- I often mis-type a letter because I am using the correct positioning on the wrong hand.
Glad I got that off my chest...
- I confuse Meryl Streep and Glenn Close.
- I cheated in a “bobbing for apples” contest in the 2nd grade.
- It took me far too many years to understand the concept of a “raincheck.”
- I am the only person under 112 who loves Andy Rooney, read and enjoyed My War, and often agrees wholeheartedly with his commentary.
- My dad calls me BabyKid.
- I am convinced I suffer from "finger dyslexia"-- I often mis-type a letter because I am using the correct positioning on the wrong hand.
Glad I got that off my chest...
9/07/2006
Applause Please
According to new labeling on Pantene shampoo, using the product will make a user's hair “up to 85% shinier.”
Based on this claim it seems you could take your current level of shininess and multiply by 1.85 to calculate your maximum shine quotient. So...
-- If you’re a little low in the shine area, picture the crappy hair you have with an 85% improvement and that is as good as it will get. And it might be discouraging to discover that “up to 85% shinier” translates to “only a mere 12% shinier” for the un-shiny like yourself. (I know it hurts to hear this, but I am trying to ease your pain in the long run.)
-- If you’re a little high in the shine area, I beg you, use the product sparingly. We don’t need you running around on your shiny high horse touting your personal shine quotient. Wouldn’t your time be better spent making your teeth 3 times whiter?
Apparently there is some technological element that limits us to an 85% (a B or B+, I would say) improvement. But what bothers me most about this claim is (1) how do we quantify “shine”, and (2) how can we calculate the degree to which it is improving?
I’d like to offer a solution to these concerns in what will be my own personal shine experiment.
Phase 1 Pre-Treatment: For the month of September, I will be collecting data via Applause-O-Meter to calculate the shininess of my hair. This will act as a baseline to determine my natural shine factor pre-Pantene intervention. So please, this September, indicate your assessment of my hair's shininess by applauding.
Pleasantly shiny? Clap confidently. Outrageously shiny? Applaud emphatically. Not so shiny? A light tap-tap will do.
Phase 2 Treatment: During the month of October, I will be using Pantene shampoo. Please hold your applause during this time.
Phase 3 Post-Treatment: For the month of November, I (the washee) will be collecting data via Applause-O-Meter to calculate the shininess of my hair post-Pantene intervention. Results will be compared to baseline to determine any effect. So please, this November, indicate your assessment of my hair's shininess by applauding.
Delightfully shiny? Applaud like you mean it. Unbelievably shiny? Clap like hell. So-so shiny? A gentle tap-tap will do.
Please refrain from using additional indicators (e.g., hooting and hollering) during this time, as only applause will register on the Applause-O-Meter.
Results & Conclusion: Applause-O-Meter data will be calculated to determine the efficacy of Pantene treatment. Conclusions, implications and study limitations will be discussed at a later time.
I would greatly appreciate your participation in this experiment. Let's show those Pantene people a thing or two about consumer intelligence!
Based on this claim it seems you could take your current level of shininess and multiply by 1.85 to calculate your maximum shine quotient. So...
-- If you’re a little low in the shine area, picture the crappy hair you have with an 85% improvement and that is as good as it will get. And it might be discouraging to discover that “up to 85% shinier” translates to “only a mere 12% shinier” for the un-shiny like yourself. (I know it hurts to hear this, but I am trying to ease your pain in the long run.)
-- If you’re a little high in the shine area, I beg you, use the product sparingly. We don’t need you running around on your shiny high horse touting your personal shine quotient. Wouldn’t your time be better spent making your teeth 3 times whiter?
Apparently there is some technological element that limits us to an 85% (a B or B+, I would say) improvement. But what bothers me most about this claim is (1) how do we quantify “shine”, and (2) how can we calculate the degree to which it is improving?
I’d like to offer a solution to these concerns in what will be my own personal shine experiment.
Phase 1 Pre-Treatment: For the month of September, I will be collecting data via Applause-O-Meter to calculate the shininess of my hair. This will act as a baseline to determine my natural shine factor pre-Pantene intervention. So please, this September, indicate your assessment of my hair's shininess by applauding.
Pleasantly shiny? Clap confidently. Outrageously shiny? Applaud emphatically. Not so shiny? A light tap-tap will do.
Phase 2 Treatment: During the month of October, I will be using Pantene shampoo. Please hold your applause during this time.
Phase 3 Post-Treatment: For the month of November, I (the washee) will be collecting data via Applause-O-Meter to calculate the shininess of my hair post-Pantene intervention. Results will be compared to baseline to determine any effect. So please, this November, indicate your assessment of my hair's shininess by applauding.
Delightfully shiny? Applaud like you mean it. Unbelievably shiny? Clap like hell. So-so shiny? A gentle tap-tap will do.
Please refrain from using additional indicators (e.g., hooting and hollering) during this time, as only applause will register on the Applause-O-Meter.
Results & Conclusion: Applause-O-Meter data will be calculated to determine the efficacy of Pantene treatment. Conclusions, implications and study limitations will be discussed at a later time.
I would greatly appreciate your participation in this experiment. Let's show those Pantene people a thing or two about consumer intelligence!
9/06/2006
Even Dionne Would Have Known
I’m really bad at predicting things. I try to test my psychic ability in everyday activities, but it is pretty useless. Here are some examples:
- Getting the shaft: In the case of multiple elevators, I often stand confidently in front of one to demonstrate just how capable I am at predicting which elevator will come first. I’m never right. But I keep trying.
- Shirley Jackson: Choosing lottery numbers is an absolute disaster. And I don’t mean that I don’t win – I mean that I am lucky if I choose 1 correct number per calendar year. And with the daily drawing on tv, I like to assertively state my predictions as the numbers are drawn. Totally off. So I’m keeping my day job.
- Driven: I don’t care what day it is or how the forces of the universe align, the lane I pick will always become the slowest.
- Who’s Your Daddy?: Ok, I admit I got caught up in the mid-90s talk show craze. And there’s always an episode of some white trash couples debating who the “baby daddy” really is. This inevitably involves a paternity test. And you guessed it, I’m always wrong.
- 8 is Enough: Even if I don’t have a question to ask, I like to compare my predictions to the Magic 8 Ball. We all know the 8 Ball is always right. So I figure if I am consistent with the Magic 8 Ball then my psychic ability is very sharp. But alas, always wrong. Really. Stupid 8 Ball.
- Getting the shaft: In the case of multiple elevators, I often stand confidently in front of one to demonstrate just how capable I am at predicting which elevator will come first. I’m never right. But I keep trying.
- Shirley Jackson: Choosing lottery numbers is an absolute disaster. And I don’t mean that I don’t win – I mean that I am lucky if I choose 1 correct number per calendar year. And with the daily drawing on tv, I like to assertively state my predictions as the numbers are drawn. Totally off. So I’m keeping my day job.
- Driven: I don’t care what day it is or how the forces of the universe align, the lane I pick will always become the slowest.
- Who’s Your Daddy?: Ok, I admit I got caught up in the mid-90s talk show craze. And there’s always an episode of some white trash couples debating who the “baby daddy” really is. This inevitably involves a paternity test. And you guessed it, I’m always wrong.
- 8 is Enough: Even if I don’t have a question to ask, I like to compare my predictions to the Magic 8 Ball. We all know the 8 Ball is always right. So I figure if I am consistent with the Magic 8 Ball then my psychic ability is very sharp. But alas, always wrong. Really. Stupid 8 Ball.
9/05/2006
A Peanut M&M Tutorial
Here are some things I have learned about Peanut M&Ms:
1. The standard-issue bag is not waterproof. Leaving said bag in a cooler of icy water for the weekend will affect its contents.
2. In the event of #1, icy water causes M&M colors to bleed and adds a funky, psychedelic element to their appearance.
3. After eating wet M&Ms, the dominant color on one’s fingertips will be blue. (Turpentine helps remove the stain.)
4. If I were a Peanut M&M, I would spread rumors about the plain ones being sluts. And everybody knows the crispy ones are stupid.
5. Regarding the instructions on the Tear & Share-sized bag, A: tearing required, and B: sharing not so much.
6. There is always at least one funky tasting M&M in the bunch. Unfortunately, it is often mid-swallow that this is realized.
7. The real-life M&M guys are much shorter than they appear in the commercials. (I found this to be true of the California Raisins too.)
8. Though tasty and refreshing, frozen Peanut M&Ms should be avoided as they are a choking hazard and a dental disaster waiting to happen.
9. No color of Peanut M&M will make you horny. I’ve tried.
10. A Peanut M&M tossed from the Empire State Building can certainly kill a passerby. Sorry about that one, Sir.
1. The standard-issue bag is not waterproof. Leaving said bag in a cooler of icy water for the weekend will affect its contents.
2. In the event of #1, icy water causes M&M colors to bleed and adds a funky, psychedelic element to their appearance.
3. After eating wet M&Ms, the dominant color on one’s fingertips will be blue. (Turpentine helps remove the stain.)
4. If I were a Peanut M&M, I would spread rumors about the plain ones being sluts. And everybody knows the crispy ones are stupid.
5. Regarding the instructions on the Tear & Share-sized bag, A: tearing required, and B: sharing not so much.
6. There is always at least one funky tasting M&M in the bunch. Unfortunately, it is often mid-swallow that this is realized.
7. The real-life M&M guys are much shorter than they appear in the commercials. (I found this to be true of the California Raisins too.)
8. Though tasty and refreshing, frozen Peanut M&Ms should be avoided as they are a choking hazard and a dental disaster waiting to happen.
9. No color of Peanut M&M will make you horny. I’ve tried.
10. A Peanut M&M tossed from the Empire State Building can certainly kill a passerby. Sorry about that one, Sir.
9/01/2006
Less Than Maximum Velocity
I’m all for maximizing resources. I bake everything at 500 just because I can. I squeeze a little extra gas into my tank because automatic stopping is for wimps. I use maximum strength everything, as much as possible.
I hate slow drivers. Slow drivers do not know how to maximize resources. Every day, millions of miles per hour go to waste because slow drivers don’t appreciate their value and simply discard them like old, stinky sponges. How ungrateful! Miles per hour are precious, non-renewable resources that should be treasured. Once they’re gone, they’re gone. Finito. Au revoir. Adios.
As Americans we are fortunate to be given many rights. As drivers we have the right – and dare I assert, duty – to maximize our miles per hour and avoid unnecessary waste. The speed limit is our friend: it explicitly states the maximum miles per hour we are entitled to use. In other words, it tells us exactly how to maximize our resources.
Using less than this is wasteful. And using less than we are entitled is simply un-American!
It bothers me that slow drivers can be so wasteful. Don’t they know there are people in this world with no miles per hour at all? And they waste them so casually, so needlessly.
I wonder how they sleep at night.
I hate slow drivers. Slow drivers do not know how to maximize resources. Every day, millions of miles per hour go to waste because slow drivers don’t appreciate their value and simply discard them like old, stinky sponges. How ungrateful! Miles per hour are precious, non-renewable resources that should be treasured. Once they’re gone, they’re gone. Finito. Au revoir. Adios.
As Americans we are fortunate to be given many rights. As drivers we have the right – and dare I assert, duty – to maximize our miles per hour and avoid unnecessary waste. The speed limit is our friend: it explicitly states the maximum miles per hour we are entitled to use. In other words, it tells us exactly how to maximize our resources.
Using less than this is wasteful. And using less than we are entitled is simply un-American!
It bothers me that slow drivers can be so wasteful. Don’t they know there are people in this world with no miles per hour at all? And they waste them so casually, so needlessly.
I wonder how they sleep at night.
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