Less Than Maximum Velocity

I’m all for maximizing resources. I bake everything at 500 just because I can. I squeeze a little extra gas into my tank because automatic stopping is for wimps. I use maximum strength everything, as much as possible.

I hate slow drivers. Slow drivers do not know how to maximize resources. Every day, millions of miles per hour go to waste because slow drivers don’t appreciate their value and simply discard them like old, stinky sponges. How ungrateful! Miles per hour are precious, non-renewable resources that should be treasured. Once they’re gone, they’re gone. Finito. Au revoir. Adios.

As Americans we are fortunate to be given many rights. As drivers we have the right – and dare I assert, duty – to maximize our miles per hour and avoid unnecessary waste. The speed limit is our friend: it explicitly states the maximum miles per hour we are entitled to use. In other words, it tells us exactly how to maximize our resources.

Using less than this is wasteful. And using less than we are entitled is simply un-American!

It bothers me that slow drivers can be so wasteful. Don’t they know there are people in this world with no miles per hour at all? And they waste them so casually, so needlessly.

I wonder how they sleep at night.