A Peanut M&M Tutorial

Here are some things I have learned about Peanut M&Ms:

1. The standard-issue bag is not waterproof. Leaving said bag in a cooler of icy water for the weekend will affect its contents.

2. In the event of #1, icy water causes M&M colors to bleed and adds a funky, psychedelic element to their appearance.

3. After eating wet M&Ms, the dominant color on one’s fingertips will be blue. (Turpentine helps remove the stain.)

4. If I were a Peanut M&M, I would spread rumors about the plain ones being sluts. And everybody knows the crispy ones are stupid.

5. Regarding the instructions on the Tear & Share-sized bag, A: tearing required, and B: sharing not so much.

6. There is always at least one funky tasting M&M in the bunch. Unfortunately, it is often mid-swallow that this is realized.

7. The real-life M&M guys are much shorter than they appear in the commercials. (I found this to be true of the California Raisins too.)

8. Though tasty and refreshing, frozen Peanut M&Ms should be avoided as they are a choking hazard and a dental disaster waiting to happen.

9. No color of Peanut M&M will make you horny. I’ve tried.

10. A Peanut M&M tossed from the Empire State Building can certainly kill a passerby. Sorry about that one, Sir.