Survey Says!

Here are the fascinating results. I'm sure you have spent many sleepless nights awaiting these:

1 Melissa’s middle name is:
a Ann
b Peabody
c Allah (but wouldn't that be great?)
d Latoya
e Ralph

2 Melissa is turned off by people who:
a Use bad grammar or have little interest in learning
b Dominate conversations with celebrity gossip
c Are frequently late
d Are generally rude to strangers
e Don't like her blog (is that possible?)
f All of the above

3 Which of the following is Melissa least likely to do:
a Create a self-indulgent quiz
b Join the Joan Rivers fan club (I seriously hate this woman, see #2b)
c Say "no thanks" when offered something chocolate
d Stay awake and remain coherent during a 3 hour movie (true, but not the least likely...now can someone please tell me how Titanic ends?)

4 Which of the following has Melissa not worn:
a A giant Subway sandwich costume in hometown parades and promotions (sad but true)
b A t-shirt of a cow with a bubble coming out of his butt and the quote, "You've been eating my bubble gum again, haven't you?" (true again)
c A "Blair & Jo Were Totally Doin' It" t-shirt referencing The Facts of Life (they totally were! but I never owned the shirt)
d A very sheer white bra referred to as the "nipple bra" used to torment her old roommate Lauren (no wonder she moved)

5 Melissa's theory of "merit-based driving" asserts that:
a Only older drivers should be allowed to drive at night
b She has earned the right to have everyone drive her around (but haven't I?)
c Qualified, good drivers should be able to break minor traffic rules as they deem necessary
d Speed limits should never apply to drivers with no traffic violations

6 When the family dog was put to sleep, Melissa referred to this as:
a Sending Buffy to doggie heaven
b Giving that bitch Buffy what she deserved
c Dr. Kervorkian at his best
d Giving Buffy the Ol' McVeigh (RIP Buffy!)

7 Melissa's brother lives:
a Under the sea in an Octopus' Garden (please, like an octopus would share his garden with my dumb brother)
b In Biosphere 17
c In France
d In Poland
e Under the pseudonym Mike Fliggersby because he is embarrased by his family

8 Melissa is most frustrated by:
a Stupid things that should work but don't freakin' work because they are stupid (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRG!)
b The fact that Pluto lost official planet status
c Her inability to master the triple axle for her number in Disney on Ice (I'm over this now)
d Her disappointing 47th place finish in the Betty Crocker Blueberry Muffin Bake Off (I was robbed)
e The fact that no newscasters ever sneeze on camera

9 Melissa once placed a personal ad with the heading:
a Warm, sensitive, loving (not true, not so much, definitely not)
b Come and get it, Big Mamma
c Still looking for the right one
d No wackos, no mullets (outcome: mullet? no, wacko? debatable)
e Yes….they're real

10 Melissa has strong opinions about:
a People with stuffed animals in the back of their cars
b Guitar players who are unable to tune their guitar by ear
c How the world would be a better place if we could always wear jeans (Am I wrong?)
d How the media sucks because "that is not news!"
e All of the above (among countless others)

And just for fun: Melissa loves the 1-year-old twins because:
a 9 times out of 10 she can beat them in chess
b Nobody can be sure who really farted when they are around (no comment)
c They have great insight into the Middle East Crisis
d Stealing their candy is easy
e Driving them around makes her eligible for the HOV lane