Sprechen Sie Deutsche?

Every morning I eagerly tear off of the previous day’s German lesson from my page-a-day calendar in hopes of uncovering a new linguistic nugget that will enlighten me and enrich my intellect. And every day I am disappointed by the useless phrase I am being taught. This thing is for the birds I tell you!

This dumb calendar doesn’t teach simple, valuable German phrases that could benefit a weary traveler or even anyone curious about a new language. What it teaches are stupid phrases that very few people need to use in their native language -- much less when learning a new one!

So if you’re interested in learning any of the following, you’re in luck:

-He is very thrifty.
-I want to grow old gracefully.
-That movie got bad reviews.
-He has a golden voice.
-I have to lose a few pounds.
-Children should not be too sheltered.
-That’s old hat.
-Did you change the clocks?
-Moral standards are declining.
-He flopped/failed the exam.

And I’ve still got 3 months of this! These are the essential German phrases to teach a dumb American sitting in a cubicle each day? Has anyone new to speaking German ever asked, “Did you change the clocks?”

And the worst part of it is they couldn’t even come up with 365 crap phrases to translate! Saturdays/Sundays are combined, and the phrases repeat every few months. I’m pretty sure I learned “You must have gone at a snail’s pace” in April.

So here are some phrases that I think should be covered in the calendar:

-Oh no, thank you, I filled up on schnitzel.
-Baby you look great in your lederhosen.
-They sang “Take My Breath Away” from Top Gun – perhaps have you heard of them?
-I’m sorry, that’s just not how I wave to people.
-Is your refrigerator broken? My beer is warm.
-What’s the deal with Bavarian Cream Pie?
-You have magnetic levitation trains that exceed 200 mph. We have, uh, Amtrak and the Monorail at Disney.
-Farfegnugen, dude!
-Just to clarify, Audubon/Autobahn – not the same thing?

So I’m writing these in as suggestions. In the meantime I will be busy learning how to say “Let that be a lesson to you.”

So, my dear friends, Lass dir das eine Lehre sein!

This calendar is useless.