These are little ones:
"I’m easy." I mean it in the sense of “That’s fine” or “Sure, why not?” But it just doesn’t sound good. And while it may be true that I am, in fact, a little easy, there is certainly no need to advertise it…unless, well, never mind.
"Like." If I’m creating similes, this is great. But otherwise it is like wearing bi-focals to a 3-D movie (would that make it 6-D?). It is just a bad idea! It sneaks in there though, and it makes me sound 15. Every so often I find myself saying, “And I was, like, what did you say?” How old am I? And better yet, like, how dumb am I?
This is the big one (Hold on to your halos everybody!):
"Jesus F*cking Christ!" Apparently, I’ve decided that Jesus needs a middle name, and I’ve searched high and low for the most offensive one out there. Oh what I wouldn’t give for a middle name like that! Nobody ever says, “Hey, buddy, Ann off!” or “Dude, we were Anning like Banshees.” Ann sucks.
But anyway, there are 2 reasons I shouldn’t say this (as if it isn’t obvious):
1. If I recall correctly, 80-85% of Americans identify as Christians. So I figure it is possible to offend 246.5 million Americans in one fell swoop. Imagine that! If I tried really hard I think I could do it. But in the meantime, I guess I could limit my offensive language and make nice with the world.
2. Christianity isn’t exactly my thing. When people sing “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” I don’t budge an inch. But at the same time maybe I don’t have to screw myself out of all the good after-life opportunities either. I figure if I am wrong, this one is big enough to come back and really bite me in the ass.
I picture myself at the gates with that dude and the harps and the Twinkies and Olsen twins and whatever else is supposed to be there. Enter the video footage -- me on Rt 9 screaming “Jesus F*cking Christ” to the slow drivers every single day for 7,856 days. That’s bound to hinder my access to eternal life somehow. (Good God … I mean, Holy Crap… I mean, Wow, they’re really strict, huh?)
