Applause Please

According to new labeling on Pantene shampoo, using the product will make a user's hair “up to 85% shinier.”

Based on this claim it seems you could take your current level of shininess and multiply by 1.85 to calculate your maximum shine quotient. So...

-- If you’re a little low in the shine area, picture the crappy hair you have with an 85% improvement and that is as good as it will get. And it might be discouraging to discover that “up to 85% shinier” translates to “only a mere 12% shinier” for the un-shiny like yourself. (I know it hurts to hear this, but I am trying to ease your pain in the long run.)

-- If you’re a little high in the shine area, I beg you, use the product sparingly. We don’t need you running around on your shiny high horse touting your personal shine quotient. Wouldn’t your time be better spent making your teeth 3 times whiter?

Apparently there is some technological element that limits us to an 85% (a B or B+, I would say) improvement. But what bothers me most about this claim is (1) how do we quantify “shine”, and (2) how can we calculate the degree to which it is improving?

I’d like to offer a solution to these concerns in what will be my own personal shine experiment.

Phase 1 Pre-Treatment: For the month of September, I will be collecting data via Applause-O-Meter to calculate the shininess of my hair. This will act as a baseline to determine my natural shine factor pre-Pantene intervention. So please, this September, indicate your assessment of my hair's shininess by applauding.

Pleasantly shiny? Clap confidently. Outrageously shiny? Applaud emphatically. Not so shiny? A light tap-tap will do.

Phase 2 Treatment: During the month of October, I will be using Pantene shampoo. Please hold your applause during this time.

Phase 3 Post-Treatment: For the month of November, I (the washee) will be collecting data via Applause-O-Meter to calculate the shininess of my hair post-Pantene intervention. Results will be compared to baseline to determine any effect. So please, this November, indicate your assessment of my hair's shininess by applauding.

Delightfully shiny? Applaud like you mean it. Unbelievably shiny? Clap like hell. So-so shiny? A gentle tap-tap will do.

Please refrain from using additional indicators (e.g., hooting and hollering) during this time, as only applause will register on the Applause-O-Meter.

Results & Conclusion: Applause-O-Meter data will be calculated to determine the efficacy of Pantene treatment. Conclusions, implications and study limitations will be discussed at a later time.

I would greatly appreciate your participation in this experiment. Let's show those Pantene people a thing or two about consumer intelligence!