Halloween Candy Meltdown

Ok seriously. Has anyone noticed any eerie changes to Halloween candy lately? Well I have - the fun size candy bars are noticeably less fun than they used to be. What’s the deal with that? In 1988 it was a few good solid bites. And now? A nibble and half, tops.

That hardly sounds like fun to me. And it's been documented:



And while I’m at it, let me point out that I’m not crazy about King Size either. Why is it either regular (i.e., totally not enough) or King Size (i.e., embarrassing to be seen with in public)? How about something in the middle? And why only “King” and not "Queen"? I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen a lot of fat ass Queens in my days. And Queen size panty hose? Enormous!

I propose a simple candy bar hierarchy – King, Queen, Prince. What a great idea! And the beauty is that we can safely assume that most people selecting the King Size candy bar would also select (ok, require) a king size bed. Oh the logic and simplicity! The same could be true for the Queen. But, oh wait, the Prince. Uh, hmm… nope, no Prince size bed. It's full, isn't it? What the hell is full? What exactly is filling these beds?

This reminds me of a deck of cards. Sure, there’s a King and Queen. But no Prince, no Full. Just a Jack. Jack???

Ugh, why does everything have to be so complicated!? Why can’t my deck of cards include a Full? Why can’t I sleep on a Jack size bed if I damn well please? And why can't I have a Queen size candy bar?!

Sheesh! Ok . . . I'm calming down now. Sorry, I hope I didn't spook you too much. Anyway, Happy Halloween! (But if you notice that Halloween isn't quite as fun this year, it's totally because of the "not so" fun size candy bars. That's all I'm sayin'.)

Free to a good human

One internal alarm clock. 1976 model, made in the USA, minor wear and tear, otherwise in very good condition. Guaranteed nightly wakings between 2:30 and 3:30 a.m. No setting necessary!

WARNING

May cause minor to severe lethargy and/or frustration. Internal alarm clock affects other parts of the body and may lead to any of the following:

overactive bladder

minor thirst

excessive focus on life’s big questions

unbridled creativity

inexplicable ability to mimic drug-induced mental images

undue recollection of embarrassing moments and social faux pas

sudden interest in ironing pants

inexplicable need to locate stuffed Snoopy

frequent replay of crowd-pleasing jokes and shining moments

Not to be used in lieu of regular alarm clock. Will not prevent oversleeping or serve any other practical purpose.

Free to good human. Easy to install. No battery required.

I can deliver!! Need to get rid of ASAP to make room for newer model.

Vocabula - RE Lesson

Good afternoon, class! Last week we learned that the prefix “re-” means “to do again.” You all did a great job with new words like rewrite, rethink, and rebuild. Congratulations!

Let’s have some more fun! Here are this week’s words used in a sentence to help you understand the meaning:

1. Yes, that’s true. The original mission was in June. But since we were unable to catch a coelacanth we’re going to have to request in November.

2. Why would I resign? You already have my signature on the petition.

3. I totally screwed up my lines during the first take. So I had to react.

4. Losing one of my limbs is unfortunate, yes. But the doctors are confident they can rearm me with a prosthesis.

5. Just in case any of our Hot Bod ‘08 judges missed it in the first round, we would like you to reflex your muscles.

6. Let me tell you I was fine when I was in my 20s. Since then, ok, I’ve let myself go. But it’s my goal to refine myself - I joined Jenny Craig!

7. If we fixed it once, we can fix it again. I don’t know why it came apart, but we’ll just have to refuse it.

8. I know you just put it there. But I liked it better where it was. Would you please remove it?

9. It was an innocent remark. Sorry, I didn’t mean to trace over your line.

10. Are you serious?! I just tried on my new Mrs. Garrett wig for you five minutes ago. You really want me to remodel it?

Isn’t it wonderful how crystal-clear and consistent the English language is? There are only a few rules to learn, and all rules apply at all times.

There will be a quiz on Friday. Good luck! I’m sure you’ll do re-re-re-really well!

And the winner is....

Time Magazine's 2008 winner of the (Dreadfully Overused!) Phrase of the Fall:

SHORE UP

Definition: strengthen, ensure, bolster

Usage: verb (1) “Shore up the economy” (2) “Shore up voters”

Etymology: Latin – shorus meaning “give government” and upus meaning “too much power in.” Also, shorus meaning “persuade using” and upus meaning “dirty campaign ads.”

Honorable mentions:
Financial meltdown
Joe six-pack
That one
Atom smasher
Market free fall
Georgia the country, dumbass
Joe the Plumber
Russia from my backyard

2007 winner:
Wide stance

Life's Little Paths

Today I was forced to take a good, hard look at some of my actions. It was gloriously autumnal here in New England. The air was cool, the leaves crisp, the sky blue. Something felt calm, almost soothing to me. I was confident, quick, and in control.

But even on such a serene day, it is amazing how quickly things can change. How one moment without direction can have such an impact.

And because of that fleeting moment I was later forced to ask myself critical questions –What was I thinking? What do I do next?

How did I get here – alone, lost, standing at the crossroads?

How did I get here – cold, scared, eager to get home?

No really, how the fuck did I get here – sweating, tired, dressed in running shorts and a t-shirt in 50 degrees in the middle of the woods?

And how the hell do I get back to my car? Shit. I have no idea.

Ok, think Melissa, think. Does that root look familiar? Do you remember that tree? That curve? Did you leave a trail of breadcrumbs? Reese’s Pieces?

Perhaps the worst and most embarrassing part of this journey is that I was on a marked trail. I was on the blue trail. After 25 minutes, I turned around on the blue trail to retrace my steps and head back. Yet, strangely, 20 minutes later I found myself on the blue trail headed in the original direction – away from my car, as if I had never turned around at all. What the hell? Did I do a 360 instead of a 180? What is this netherworld of trails? And why am I passing that old couple again?

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by. Or maybe I didn't. Or maybe I did.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took... hmm... uh, that one? Or was it that one? Shit.

Fortunately, after much retracing, rerunning, and inquiring… er, I mean soul-searching, I was able to find my way. And eventually I was able to make my way home.

As for the bigger questions though, I still have no idea. I still don’t know what I was thinking. I honestly don’t know how I got there. But I suppose that’s the deeper, more meaningful element of running I have finally experienced.

What's in a name??? Everything! That's what!

I’ve never been too fond of my last name. It’s not horrible, but it’s not zingy or powerful either. It’s just two simple syllables “BLAH blah.” Eh… nothing exciting.

My surname was shortened from something like Leistoczyk generations ago. I’ve always thought that sounded cool in an Eastern-European-enclave-in-a-big-US-city kind of way. But I’m thankful I never had to write it on my underwear or spell it in refrigerator magnets as a kid. And people screwed up my last name enough, so I can’t imagine the blank stares and “uh… never mind”s I would have gotten with Leistoczyk.

Anyway, if I were a rock star I’d have a hip new name for myself. My current name might work in the world of folk music, but I think any musical context is deserving of a kickass name. And so the quest begins...

I love simple yet assertive last names like Church, King, Strong, or Fox. And of course there are the American icon names like Ford, Carnegie, Rockefeller, and Vanderbilt that connote coolness simply because of their association. I really like Forsyth for some reason. I also have an inexplicable fondness for Jewish names with –berg or –stein, and of course anything “von” anything else is cool. Melissa von ____ would certainly make me sound like a formidable baroness or something. (To be honest, I don’t even know what a baroness is, but I’m pretty sure I want to be one when I grow up. And I’m pretty sure they’re all formidable.)

But none of these names is quite... um... me. I’ve considered many cool surname options, and after much thought I have finally come to a decision. My new last name is everything I need – it’s unexpected given my appearance, it’s short and to the point, there’s no possible way to screw it up, yet it’s very common in certain parts.

My new is quite simply…Wu. Wu is the ultimate cool last name. Just think about it – Wu. Melissa Wu. But for me it wouldn’t be just Melissa Wu. Blah BLAH blah BLAAAAH.

I’m thinking like this - Melissa WUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! So that’s what I’m shooting for, Melissa WUUUUUUUUU!!! It's all about the "Woooooo!" sound - what's more enthusiastic and kickass than that?

It might take a little training to get people to pronounce it correctly (the accent is on the WUUUUUUUUU!), but once it catches on I’ll be the coolest girl in town.

Think about it:

“WUUUUUUUUU!!!, party of two hundred? Table for WUUUUUUUUU!!! is ready.”
“And this year’s winner of the Oreo eating contest is…..Melissa WUUUUUUUUU!!!”
“Excuse me Ms. WUUUUUUUUU!!, but you are HOTTT. Are those real???”

Oh I can hear it already!! So that’s it, it’s official. No more Melissa BLAH blah. Say hello to Melissa Wu. Ahem… I mean…

Melissa WUUUUUUUUU!!!

A Columbus-like Self Discovery

In honor of Columbus Day, here is a discovery about me – I’m not that bright. Wanna see why?

- Two years ago my family rented a condo in Florida, and I went for a run along the beach in the morning. On the way back I had NO IDEA which condo was ours and overshot it by quite a bit. A few hours later a sunburned - and very tired - Melissa finally found her way back to the condo... like a lost puppy in a sports bra.

- The parking lot at work is quite large, but I always park in the same area. Last week I walked right past my car two days in a row – yes alone, yes solely focused on finding my car, yes in the same location as always.

- I need to return a friend's sweatshirt, so I packed it in a bag and set it aside. Today as I was cleaning I saw the sweatshirt staring me in the face from the top of my dresser. What the hell? So I retrieved the bag. And you what was in there? My sweatshirt.

- No matter how badly it will burn me, I never, ever allow toast to cool sufficiently before grabbing it and attempting to spread peanut butter.

- No matter how hard I try, my ponytail is never, ever in the center of my head. It’s always a little to the left.

- Yesterday I bought tomatoes. I don’t make tomato sauce and have nothing that could come close to making a sandwich or salad. What I’m planning to do with said tomatoes is beyond me. But there they are.

- I’m slightly obsessed with My Big Redneck Wedding… and some of those weddings don’t seem too shabby!

- A few weeks ago I ordered a pumpkin beer at a local bar. Although I LOVE pumpkin beer, this brand tasted like a flea collar. Last week I went to the liquor store to buy pumpkin beer. Any guesses which brand I bought?

So yeah, if I were Columbus I probably wouldn’t have found India either. (But I'm pretty sure I could have come up with cooler names for my ships!)

Happy Columbus Day! I hope you don’t have to work. (I do, damnit, but maybe you don’t…)

The Impersonator

I know. It's been on the tip of your tongue. You have an image in your mind, but you can't quite place it.

Allow me to help you.

If you're wondering who would play Joe Biden if there were, say, a Lifetime Movie Series called Joe Biden: The Manton from Scranton. . .

Joe Biden:



The actor impersonating Joe Biden:



Yes, that's right. Bob Eucker, Mr. Baseball. Mr. Owens.

You're welcome.

Sleeping Quarters

Truncation

I don’t know when. But at some point recently, a few common phrases in the English language underwent minor surgery.

Remember when the phrase was “In the meantime”? Well it seems that “In the meantime” is using a nickname these days. Just as Michaels often become Mikes and Jennifers often become Jenns, “In the meantime” has become, well, just “Meantime.”

And remember when “As a matter of fact” was a five-worder? Nope. Not anymore. Now it’s “Matter of fact.” I guess the “as a” was just dead weight.

Why do we do this? Are we that pressed for time? If so, it doesn’t explain our reliance on superfluous words like “actually” and “literally” or our use of tedious speech like “I guess what I’m trying to say is…” when we could just ... uh... SAY. IT.

So I’ve decided it’s not about saving time. This is a part of a BIG conspiracy against LITTLE words like a, as, in, it, my, the, and so on. And the first step is rubbing them out of introductory phrases like “In the meantime” and “As a matter of fact.” But why stop there?

- The next time someone asks when you’ll be ready, tell them “Jiffy.”

- And in a discussion of ideals, throw a little “Perfect world? I’d like to be encased in a giant Reese’s peanut butter cup and forced to eat my way out” on the table.

- And if you’re ever asked if you’d do Jacoby Ellsbury, yell “Heartbeat! Hell yeah!” and ask where you can sign up.

- And if your estimation skills are being put to the test, go all “Rule of thumb, I’d say about the size of a giant pumpkin” on their asses.

- And if your hot date asks what you think, stir things up with some “Humble opinion, I think it’s total crap” no matter what.

- And as the climax to your classic irony story (again), wow them with a “Turns out, the stain was actually caused by the soap! Who knew?!”

I think we can make this work. Perhaps if we all come together we can rub these pesky little words out of common phrases. Fact, I think we can get rid of them entirely!