A Still Life

An update:

1. I still can’t eat with chopsticks, still don’t own red square plates, still sleep with a stuffed Snoopy, and still have a toothpaste cap stuck in my drain

2. I still haven’t started a support group for “Jewish Lesbians Who Love Goofy Polish Blogging Musicians” so I can just happen to be waiting outside their meeting spot

3. I still make eye contact with my car stereo when it plays a good song... as if to say “thank you”

4. I still don’t know if “No Trespassing” signs indicating “Police Take Notice” are meant as a directive for the police or a warning to the trespasser

5. I still forget what I am wearing, take a wrong turn off the work elevator, or find a crumb of something I don't recall eating at least once a day

6. I still think Captain & Tenille references are funny and try to include them whenever possible

7. I still play what I think is original music but soon realize it’s just a stupid Tom Petty song

8. I still can't consider life as a mistress or criminal because my hair doesn't always stay on my head

9. I’d still do Laverne over Shirley, Jo over Blair, Rhoda over Mary, Betty over Wilma, or Condoleeza over Madeleine any day

10. I still think hyperlinks are fun to do and wonder if anyone ever clicks on them

Relatively Speaking

In honor of Mother’s Day, here is a post about my mom, Nancy:

My mom is seriously the nicest person ever. All she wants is for everyone to be safe and happy and feel loved. She’s smart, loyal, and stable yet eternally optimistic and dangerously close to naïve. So how she ended up with a selfish, sarcastic, beer-swilling, nun-beating, candy-from-baby-stealing daughter is beyond me. But enough about my sister…

I know my mom isn’t quite the hippest, coolest lady out there. But I’ve grown to love and appreciate her for who she is. And here, though long overdue, are some of the best things about my mom:

1. My mom says tinkle instead of pee, urinate, piss, etc. There is no cursing. There is no yelling. There is nothing worse than “Shootskies” that comes out of her mouth.

2. On an airplane my mom always made a point to compliment the pilot for a job well done. I have heard her say, “That was a very nice landing” in a Fargo-style Midwest accent far too many times. (I’d say we earned our 1980s Eastern Airlines wings, damnit.)

3. I still get pink and purple 10-year-old girl cards that say things like “For a Very Special Daughter.” And they always have like bunnies, or puppies, or clouds or something cute on them. Next year I hope to get something with a unicorn.

4. When my mom sends a package, she puts her Ted Kaczynski skills to work. She wraps it up 7 times, creates a water-tight seal, and includes my address in a sealed envelope on the inside. In the event of a package-destroying monsoon, someone can find my address safe and sound inside and get those newspaper clippings from our hometown newspaper where they rightfully belong.

5. My mom thinks email goes to either my work computer or my home computer. And she swears that depending on whether they use their laptop or desktop, different email comes through. This is a battle I no longer have the strength to fight.

6. On a weekend trip when I was in 8^th grade my mom commented that the hotel room was “toasty cool.” What that meant we weren’t sure, but I am confident my friend Andrea hasn’t forgotten it.

7. She really, truly, honestly says “Now, now” when I torment my sister or get fired up about something. I start the “now now countdown” as soon as I get off the plane. I usually end the countdown somewhere around baggage claim.

8. When trying to flag down my dad in a public place, she shouts, “Yoohoo, Jim! Over here! Yee-ooh-who!” with her arms flailing in the air. This too, in a Midwestern accent to a very clueless man, is priceless.

9. My mom fell out of the boat once when we were fishing. One minute she was there. The next minute? SPLASH! (probably followed by “Yoohoo! Over here! Glub...glub...”) She was gone. Only Nan and a very small trout know the truth about what happened.

You can see how the apple has fallen very far from the tree. And I probably don’t give my mom enough credit. So here is credit where it is due: When I asked her what she wanted for Mother’s Day she said for me to donate to a charity. How cool is that? So I did.

$50 to www.savetheraisins.org

Happy Mother's Day Mom! Love Melissa

Identity Crisis

My friends have adorable twins who will turn two in August. I love those little guys. They don’t have huge vocabularies (ok they beat me at Scrabble - how was I to know they would pull a triple-word-score "zephyr"?), but they have learned some essentials. And they’re learning new words every time I see them!

The newest development is correct responses to questions like “Who is coming to visit you?” or “Who is that?” So when they’re asked about me the response is always the same. It goes something like this:

-Parent: “Who is that? Can you say Melissa?”

-Twin: “…uh…(pause)…dah. (very affirmatively) Pootsie.”

-Parent: “That’s Melissa. Can you say Melissa? Say Mah-liss-ah. Say Melissa!”

-Twin: “…uh…(long breath)…(more affirmatively) Pootsie.”

When they see pictures of me? Pootise. When I am on the phone? Pootsie. Melissa? Nope, just Pootsie.

So apparently I am Pootsie, my dear friends. It's nice to meetcha.

Uniform Bananas

Is it just me or is there only one kind of banana out there? No matter where you go, it’s just…a banana. But the produce department is filled with varieties of apples, oranges, pears, grapes, even avocados. How could some fruit just be that fruit? Why is there no banana diversity?

Some could argue that the little finger-sized bananas qualify, but they’re stupid. And we all know they’re just bananas raised near power lines or amid nuclear fallout, so I’m disregarding those mutants. And plantains? Ok, sure, those are great when fried and served with beans and rice. I’d consider those in the banana family but not a variety of banana. If you’re out of bananas for your morning bowl of Wheaties, I doubt you can substitute with plantains. The 187 varieties of apples however? Nearly interchangeable. What’s up with that?

Now, I’m not bananologist, so I could be totally wrong. And I probably am. But it just seems to me that no matter what, yep, it’s still just ... a banana.

7 things that suck

1. Flavoring what you expect will be delicious coffee with cinnamon, but the coffee turns out to be watery. Then you’re left with cinnamonny water, and what the hell good is that?

2. Driving with anyone authorized to pull you over for speeding directly behind you

3. Waking up at 4:30 am to catch a flight…except that you don’t actually have a flight so you’re really just awake for no reason

4. When you enthusiastically turn on Jeopardy, but alas it’s the Teen Tournament…and the old self esteem isn’t high enough to lose to anyone born after grunge was cool and who wears Heelys

5. Pulling out your laundry from the dryer and finding, once again, you’ve washed, dried, and melted your Chapstick

6. Putting toothpaste on your toothbrush, replacing the cap, returning the tube to its home...and discovering somehow in the process the toothpaste is no longer on the toothbrush

7. Realizing you can’t find the renegade toothpaste glob, so that means you must be wearing it…but where???

Notes on the Scale

Hmm. Perhaps Alfred Kinsey was onto something...


(I think I love you. So what am I so afraid of?)