In honor of Mother’s Day, here is a post about my mom, Nancy:
My mom is seriously the nicest person ever. All she wants is for everyone to be safe and happy and feel loved. She’s smart, loyal, and stable yet eternally optimistic and dangerously close to naïve. So how she ended up with a selfish, sarcastic, beer-swilling, nun-beating, candy-from-baby-stealing daughter is beyond me. But enough about my sister…
I know my mom isn’t quite the hippest, coolest lady out there. But I’ve grown to love and appreciate her for who she is. And here, though long overdue, are some of the best things about my mom:
1. My mom says tinkle instead of pee, urinate, piss, etc. There is no cursing. There is no yelling. There is nothing worse than “Shootskies” that comes out of her mouth.
2. On an airplane my mom always made a point to compliment the pilot for a job well done. I have heard her say, “That was a very nice landing” in a Fargo-style Midwest accent far too many times. (I’d say we earned our 1980s Eastern Airlines wings, damnit.)
3. I still get pink and purple 10-year-old girl cards that say things like “For a Very Special Daughter.” And they always have like bunnies, or puppies, or clouds or something cute on them. Next year I hope to get something with a unicorn.
4. When my mom sends a package, she puts her Ted Kaczynski skills to work. She wraps it up 7 times, creates a water-tight seal, and includes my address in a sealed envelope on the inside. In the event of a package-destroying monsoon, someone can find my address safe and sound inside and get those newspaper clippings from our hometown newspaper where they rightfully belong.
5. My mom thinks email goes to either my work computer or my home computer. And she swears that depending on whether they use their laptop or desktop, different email comes through. This is a battle I no longer have the strength to fight.
6. On a weekend trip when I was in 8th grade my mom commented that the hotel room was “toasty cool.” What that meant we weren’t sure, but I am confident my friend Andrea hasn’t forgotten it.
7. She really, truly, honestly says “Now, now” when I torment my sister or get fired up about something. I start the “now now countdown” as soon as I get off the plane. I usually end the countdown somewhere around baggage claim.
8. When trying to flag down my dad in a public place, she shouts, “Yoohoo, Jim! Over here! Yee-ooh-who!” with her arms flailing in the air. This too, in a Midwestern accent to a very clueless man, is priceless.
9. My mom fell out of the boat once when we were fishing. One minute she was there. The next minute? SPLASH! (probably followed by “Yoohoo! Over here! Glub...glub...”) She was gone. Only Nan and a very small trout know the truth about what happened.
You can see how the apple has fallen very far from the tree. And I probably don’t give my mom enough credit. So here is credit where it is due: When I asked her what she wanted for Mother’s Day she said for me to donate to a charity. How cool is that? So I did.
$50 to www.savetheraisins.org
