Your Personal Penguin

A while ago I read a children’s book called Your Personal Penguin. It’s super sweet and honestly brought a tear to my eye. It’s about this cute little penguin who wants nothing more than to be his hippo buddy’s best friend, his Personal Penguin. He follows the hippo around and absolutely adores him. If that isn’t enough, the last word of the book is “Please?”, a clear indicator of the little guy's sincerity.

Here’s an excerpt:

Now, lots of other penguins seem to be fine
in a universe of nothing but ice.
But if I could be yours, and you could be mine,
Our cozy little world would be twice as nice.
I want to be your Personal Penguin.

Sweet huh? So as a thank you and expression of my friendship and love, I’d like to offer myself as your Personal Penguin. And I mean that sincerely.

And as your Personal Penguin, here’s what I can offer:

-- If you need someone to talk to, I can go out and try to find someone.

-- If you’re feeling unattractive, I can hit on you and assure you that, yes, I’d do you.

-- If you’re feeling sad, I can cheer you up by putting on a juggling show. Except, well, I can’t actually juggle, so it might be more of a “no really, I was just juggling so fast you didn’t see them moving” show.

-- If you’re feeling overwhelmed, I can calm you by playing guitar and piano for you. For hours. Loudly. And I can sing too. Really intense lyrics. Loudly.

-- If you’re hungry, I can put the money I stole back in your wallet so you can buy us a pizza.

-- If you’re feeling uninspired, I can teach you great things. I can tell you about the time I was supposed to meet someone walking counter-clockwise around the pond. That's when I learned that two people walking counter-clockwise are extremely unlikely to come face to face.

-- If you’re having trouble finding a job, I can inform you that, well, perhaps it’s because you always have a penguin at your side on your job interviews.

So…any takers?

Sweet - It's Prom Dress Season!

A little shopping distraction that was just too funny to pass up.

And thanks, Rog, for being my partner in crime :)

They Call Me The Wonderer

Oh, well I'm the type of girl who wonders...

1. Why do clouds 1-8 get no respect?

2. Why is my restaurant receipt a “Duplicate Copy” when either word would suffice on its own? (Is this a duplicate of a copy?)

3. Why do some women become contortionists to dispense paper towels with their elbows, yet one can assume anyone who has touched the handle would have clean hands?

4. Who put the “bomp” in the “bomp sha lampa bomp”? Who put the “ram” in the “ramma lamma ding dong”?

5. Why would the statement “I wish not”sound ridiculous while “I hope not” is just fine?

6. Are recycling bins recyclable?

7. Why backwards talk Yoda yet drunk nobody assumes?

I wonder around, around, around, around...

(And Happy 30th Pantsy! Perhaps you're the type of girl too!)

Excess Baggage

Imagine how much better the world would be if we incorporated more humor into everyday life. Tonight at the airport I realized the baggage carousel is like an open stage just begging to be used. Can you get a more captive audience than travelers desperate to get their luggage and get the hell out of Logan?

While waiting patiently at baggage claim, I noticed how quickly heads turn at any indication that luggage is finally coming. And these people stare down every nervous item making its carousel debut (and, yep, this is what the musical Carousel is about) -- either from the top mystery chute or the drive-thru-car-wash rubbery things. This presents a great opportunity!

If I were a baggage handler (a girl can dream) I would throw really random items on the belt first…and like 10 minutes before the luggage came out …as well as between suitcases moving along the belt. I'm picturing things like:

An autographed photo of Penny Marshall
A hoola hoop
Those weird long styrofoam pool noodles
The Downy fabric softener ball
Lampshades
Rubber duckies
Somebody's hair weave
Grimace and The Hamburglar costumes

I like to think this would bring a little joy to a traveler's day. Any other ideas?

___________________

*And on a different but perhaps practical note, wouldn’t this be a great way to get people to sample a new product?

Business Speak Decoded

1. 50-thousand foot view – noun: concise summary; key points; essential data

What they say: “I’ll be presenting a 50-thousand foot view of the results.”

What they mean: “Awesome. I present for two minutes then relax to enjoy a tuna sandwich and Diet Coke.”

2. Leverage – verb: make effective or efficient use of a resource

What they say: “We should leverage our existing partnership with ___ to explore new business opportunities.”

What they mean: “Finally! I learned this in business school and never had the chance to say it! Leverage, leverage, leverage!”

3. Think outside the box – verb: create unconventional ideas or solutions

What they say: “To solve this complex problem we’ll really need to think outside the box.”

What they mean: “So, yeah, I don’t have any ideas…um, do you???”

4. Bandwidth – noun: capacity given available resources

What they say: “At the start of the fiscal year, I may not have the bandwidth to do this anymore.”

What they mean: “Note to self: look extra busy at the start of fiscal year.”

5. Moving parts – noun: complicated processes; multiple parties or components

What they say: “Leading this new project is quite a challenge because of all the moving parts.”

What they mean: “Can’t someone else do it?”

6. Reach out: verb – initiate contact with, usually about a specific topic or question

What they say: “Thank you for reminding me. I’ll reach out to her about that.”

What they mean: “Who was I supposed to call?”

7. Circle back: verb – reconvene about a specific topic or question; follow up

What they say: “Hmm…that is a great question. I’ll look into it and circle back with you with more details.”

What they mean: “I have no f*cking clue.”

Help Wanted: Research Assistant

I would like to perform three scientific experiments in my home and need help with planning, execution, and analysis. So I am seeking a Research Assistant for the following:

Project 1 The Cap

Background: Since I don’t own a drain stopper, anything small that slips out of my hinds and into my bathroom sink is a lost cause. A few weeks ago I dropped my toothpaste cap…but this little booger didn’t make it all the way down. So now it’s stuck in some sort of drainage purgatory – close enough that I can see it, yet too far away to reach with any household item.

Research Question: Will a toothpaste cap biodegrade? And if so how long will it take?

Project 2 The Eggs

Background: I buy way too many eggs. For some reason I am convinced I will eat a dozen giant, big-assed eggs before they expire. But alas, the 10 eggs currently hogging the top shelf of my refrigerator expired on February 11, exactly 1 month ago.

Research Question: Will rotten eggs eventually become rotten chickens?

Project 3 The Rabbit (no, not that rabbit!)

Background: I think they’re taking over. They show up in corners, along baseboards, atop books I never read – they are the dreaded dust bunnies. In 2007 my home maintenance has been a little sporadic, so these little guys are getting bigger by the day. And I think they might be up to something.

Research Question: Are the dust bunnies in my house planning a coup to kick the Easter Bunny’s ass?

Must also assist with ongoing sociological projects:

1. Folk music in the ghetto: Is this why my neighbors hate me?
2. Cheap blinds in my bedroom: Exactly who has seen me naked?

Unfortunate Surnames

Clapp
Dicks
Lay
Hymen
Hickey
Hardick
Bush
Cox
Doody
Seamen

See, things could be worse...

Dear Reese's Peanut Butter...

Dear Reese’s,

What the HELL is going on with you? Have you gone mad? You were once an icon -- the simple, distinctive, and flawless Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. But I feel like I don’t even know you anymore!

Now there’s the double chocolate, the fudge, the caramel, the white chocolate, and I could swear you once tried the cookie-bottom Reese’s and inside-out Reese’s with the peanut butter on the outside. WTF?

And what is up with the Crispy Crunchy bar? The Crispy Crunchy bar. Hmm. This seems rather familiar to me…wait, I think I have it. Oh yes, that’s right, a ... Butterfinger. You ripped off the Nestle Butterfinger!!! Reese’s, how could you do such a thing?

We’re fat, gluttonous Americans. So for us you introduced the Big Cup. That’s nice. But have you ever purchased something called the Big Cup? It’s embarrassing! As if that isn’t bad enough, it too comes in white chocolate. White chocolate? There’s no chocolate in white chocolate, so I’m assuming by “white” you mean “not.” And who decided that not chocolate would go well with peanut butter? Is George Washington Carver aware of this?

I must admit I found the “Limited Edition” line rather eye-opening. Apparently this is the elite line of your products that never makes it to the half-price bin at Wal-Mart. I guess that’s your way of saying, “If you think you’ll be able to get your hands on any miniatures with nuts, think again bucko. These are limited edition.” And I’m sorry, but Limited Edition Marshmallow? Are you kidding me!

Oh, Reese’s, how the mighty fall! But I haven’t given up on you. You don’t need to pretend anymore. When you come back to your senses, I will support you and welcome you home. I know who you really are and love you for it. So, please, say goodbye flash-in-the-pan snacks and dedicate yourself to the classic that made me love you.

Sincerely,

An Old Friend

P.S.

Seriously, WTF???