Time of the Season

Today marks the first day of Fall. Yes, it’s true, Summer 2008 is officially a thing of the past. Some people may be bummed to see summer fade away, but not me! And here’s why!

TOP 10 THINGS ABOUT THE END OF SUMMER AND BEGINNING OF FALL

10. The Chapstick you leave in your car won’t melt all over the dashboard . . . again.

9. There are no high-pressure social holidays like July 4th or Labor Day to make you feel like a total loser.

8. You’ve been dying to strut your stuff all summer. And now, the perfect opportunity to wear your new Pilgrim costume is just around the corner!

7. Substitute pumpkin for watermelon and you’ve got yourself a kick-ass seed spitting contest!

6. August means bold. June is a woman’s name. But Fall months? Totally. Keeping. It real.

5. No awkward elevator conversations will begin with “[sigh]…sure is hot out there…”

4. Flabby upper arms? Wear a sweater! Untoned thighs? Who cares!

3. You can still drink Corona. Just use a hearty Bavarian beer stein.

2. No more of that “I don’t have to work for two months” crap from your teaching buddies.

1. Fall is the only season that is also a four-letter word. Now … what the fuck is better than that?

Happy Equinox!

Saving Face

I recently joined Facebook and have quickly become quite fond of it. I began connecting with acquaintances from high school almost immediately. Yes, that’s right. High school. As in early-1990s-moved-away-from-home-since-graduation-small-town-Florida-high school. I haven’t really kept up with anyone recently.

It’s interesting to see what everyone is up to and see pictures and hear stories of how their lives have turned out. I enjoy this part. I enjoy sharing about my own life too. And of course there’s a link to my blog through Facebook and I welcome the readership. Consequently though, I have a new category of blog readers: high school friends.

So to any of my high school friends – welcome!

(To everyone else – Psst ... here’s the thing. I’ve got to pretend I’m cool. I’ve got to pretend I’ve made it BIG and am hot and smart and successful and in a happy relationship and totally living the life. So that means there will be NO MORE ramblings about a string of failed relationships, general boredom, slutty hookups, overeating, underperforming, underdoing my hair, nothing. Got it? Sorry…please don’t judge.)

Ahem…anyway, where was I?

Oh yes, high school friends - WELCOME! LET ME FILL YOU IN ON THE LAST 14 YEARS! HOLY CRAP HAVE THINGS BEEN A’ ROCKIN! I mean like TOTALLY awesome!!!

Remember how in high school when I was a total fat ass? Well no more sisters! I recently ran a marathon, have become an underwear model, and was just crowned Ms. Massachusetts!

And remember in Mr. Mont ’s honors American History class when I sat on the floor and didn’t pay attention to a damn thing? “No thanks Mr. Mont , I won’t be applying to the Electoral College, but I did visit and found the campus to be most pleasant.” I’ve totally changed my tune. Did I tell you about that book I wrote? It covers everything from Jamestown to Manifest Destiny to Reconstruction to Little Boy and Fat Man to the Iraq war. And I wrote it all with my toes!

And remember how I didn’t actually DO anything? Well boy oh boy am I busy! I don’t have a spare minute in my day between the PTA meetings (and I don’t even have kids!), feeding the homeless, building solar panels, composting anything and everything I can find, and training teams for the Special Olympics. My life is so filled with meaning now and I am sooo happy!

And remember how I worked at Subway? And when I dressed up as a sandwich? Pretty loser huh! Well let me tell you about company I founded. Perhaps you’ve heard of it – it’s called Google? I like to keep my name on the DL, so you probably haven’t heard much about my involvement. But let me tell you… it’s been critical!

And remember when I couldn’t get a date to save my life? My my my has that changed! In fact I’ve got one RIGHT now! She’s picking me up ASAP!

So… gotta run. More on my sweet ass life soon!!!

(Psst ... to everyone else, I’m free for a game of Scrabble tonight if you're around...)

4 Thoughts

I found $17 in my pants this morning. Talk about dirty money! What happened to money laundering?

Someone in my office was extra-emphatic last Friday – like there was added oomph behind each word. Where was the oomph before that? Is there dormant oomph living in her soul?

Last week I kinda forgot to throw away some rotten fruit. This kinda led to some flies - uh, like 30 - in my kitchen. Once I cleaned up they were gone. I never saw them leave. Where the hell do they go?

This weekend I was behind a car with a “Hang Up and Drive” bumper sticker on her lower rear window. Upon further inspection, however, I realized the sticker was merely *taped* to the inside. So I gabbed on and on and on. I mean…if she’s not going to commit to her cause, why should I?

Exhibit A: The Discography

In 1993, Melissa Etheridge released her breakthrough album, Yes I Am, and was launched into stardom with her song “I’m the Only One.” It is often speculated that the title Yes I Am is a statement about sexuality, a notion publicly refuted by the artist. However, a review of previous album titles makes this difficult to deny.

In 1982, Melissa Etheridge released her first album, Nope. Not Me. No Way. But this was quickly followed by Shhh… The Facts of Life is on! in 1984. Something must have been brewing...

In high school, however, the tide started to turn for the artist with two revealing releases: Me, My Best Friend, and … What the Hell? and She was Pretty. I was Drunk. I Still Like Boys. After unfortunate backlash from her friends and family, along with her own struggle with denial and confusion, Melissa Etheridge released an apologetic But I Have Long Hair! in 1989.

Such denial and confusion was also conveyed in her college album, “Roommate”.

But slowly, Etheridge came to terms with her true self. Her 1991 release, Oh God…Maybe, featured the in-your-face single “That’s Not a Belt.” And her 1992 release, Now I Know Why I Never Liked Menudo, reflects a sense of clarity like never before.

But ultimately, it was 1993’s Yes I Am - a culmination of lifelong questions and self-discovery - that served as a gateway for Melissa Etheridge to reveal her true self: a prolific songwriter and musician, a lesbian… and a star. A really, really gay star.

Discography:

Nope. Not me. No Way (1982)

Shhh… The Facts of Life is on! (1984)

Me, My Best Friend, and … What the Hell? (1987)

She was Pretty. I was Drunk. I Still Like Boys (1988)

But I Have Long Hair! (1989)

“Roommate” (1990)

Oh God…Maybe (1991)

Now I Know Why I Never Liked Menudo (1992)

Yes I Am (1993)

The Breakup

I thought we had a good thing going. I thought you could predict my every need and were prepared to fulfill my wishes.

But it seems, well, I must have been mistaken. I’ve realized that you – with all your intelligence and sophistication – are nowhere near as fulfilling to me as I hoped. It’s true, yes, I thought we would be a great match. Me with my bad hair days and questionable fashion sense. You with your slim build, incredible sheen, and electric disposition. How could I possibly resist?

But you don’t get me at all, do you?

I think it's time we both admit the truth. Don’t try to look away - you know I’m talking to you. That’s right, you . . . my sweet little iPod. You.

Yes, you over there playing the same songs every time I put you on shuffle. Don’t you understand the meaning of “random”? And yes, I’m talking to you, iPod, playing songs I don’t even want to hear. Sure, ok, I put Funky Cold Medina on you, but that was meant for special occasions. Is that going to help me search for deeper meaning in life? And yes, I put all of my Speed Metal/Polka fusion collection on you too. But there’s a time for that, and that time is not during my quest for inner peace.You should know me better. And how the hell am I going to get a kick-ass cardio workout if you play Sounds of Birds Sleeping that I got free from National Geographic!?

But the worst is “It's a Sunshine Day: The Best of the Brady Bunch” - where did THAT come from??? I don’t even own that! Is there someone else you’d like to tell me about, iPod?

So, well, I don’t know how to put this gently. But - it’s over. I’m breaking up with you. I’m going to shut you down now and pull that little “lock” switch for good. I’m sorry, iPod, but you’ve let me down one too many times.

Maybe, one day, far into the future...we can be friends...

Rejected Interior Paint Names

Winner: Herbal Garden
Loser: 1974 Blender Surrender


Winner: Zinnia Gold
Loser: Grandpa's Tender Toenails


Winner: Southern Evening
Loser: Severe Asthma Attack


Winner: Raspberry Pudding
Loser: High School Hickey


Winner: Parsley Sprig
Loser: Parsley Sprig on the Tooth



Winner: Mystical Purple
Loser: Gay Teletubby



Winner: Granite Boulder
Loser: Dust Bunny Delight


Winner: Chili Pepper
Loser: Mystic Morning Shaving Cut


Winner: Cheerful Hue
Loser: Pit Stains on Soft White Cotton


Winner: Bright Citris
Loser: Miss Piggy's Foundation Celebration

Toeing the party line

Is it just me or...

Are Sarah Palin (total Vice-MILF!)



And Tiny Fey



The same person???

BO

Yesterday I had BO. Or, well, I thought I had BO. See, this was that mystery phantom BO with no identifiable source. What the hell? I tried to locate it. I sniffed myself, I sniffed the air, I sniffed Brooke, I sniffed strangers, airport terminals, shoe shine men (I'm totally asking them to shine my flip flops next time), suspicious passengers, you name it. Nothin'.

And finally, after many, many hours of sniffing, I discovered the source of the BO.

And here it is:


Yes, that's right. It's the Trident Tropical Twist pack of gum I was carrying in my backpack. And trust me, if this doesn't smell like BO I don't know what does! Seriously. This shit stinks. Stupid crappy BO gum.

At least now I know why the security guards turned me down when I volunteered for the full body search.