The Downfall of Fall

Fall is great
My favorite season
But every year
For one simple reason
It loses something
Amid autumn hues
And this year I saw it
On the evening news

They announced the winner
Oh dear lord!
Here we go again...
The World’s Largest Gourd!

How do they know?
How can they weigh it?
Nobody cares
Will nobody say it?
So I’ll take the liberty
I’ll be the one
I don’t give a shit
If that pumpkin weighs a ton!

No worldly vision
You don’t even have eyes
And I know you didn’t win
The Pulitzer Prize
So I ask, big ass pumpkin,
What’s so special about you?
You’re no better than me
And I’ve got a big ass too!

And pumpkin, you don’t impress me
I wouldn’t give a toot
If you were the World’s Largest
Jack-O-Lantern to boot
We'll toast your seeds
So say buh-bye
Because soon you’ll become
The World’s Largest Pumpkin Pie!

I'm not much of a fighter
But I’ll take you on
Because big ass pumpkin
Soon you’ll be gone
This is for certain
Oh! What a bummer
That, unlike you pumpkin,
I'll be here next summer

Lessons from a Sick Day

$8 cable ain’t what it used to be. Well actually it is…just a lot of Telemundo and Univision. Se habla Espanol?

I might have guessed 140…maybe 150. But never in a million years would I have envisioned TEN THOUSAND monks protesting in Burma! That is a LOT of orange!

Maria Lopez – a Massachusetts judge made famous for her inappropriate courtroom behavior – now has her own (brace yourselves) ... tv show, Judge Maria Lopez. There are many times I am ashamed to be an American.

Martha Stewart has a talk show. Good old warm and fuzzy Martha. Is there anyone you’d like to sit down for a chat with less! There are many times I am ashamed by who else is an American.

If I recycle a Corona bottle in Massachusetts I get 5 cents. If I do it in Michigan I get 10. Why is Michigan twice as good as Massachusetts? So... how many Corona bottles recycled in Michigan will it take to offset the cost of driving to Michigan to return them? (Psst. breakeven analysis)

The letter N is still an N if you turn it upside-down. I have a NewfouNd respect for N.

Even the Pootsie Twins aren’t home to talk to me during the day.

I find it ironic that the weird bristley thing my dad uses to apply shaving cream looks oddly similar to, well, a big ol’ ball o whiskers.

Children of a Lesser Mom

My friends have a blog for their children. And that’s really nice. But I have no children. If I did, however, here’s what I would say to them:

Dear Children,

First, I hope you get your genes from the paternal side. I mean, really, all of them. But I’ve thought of a few life lessons should you, in fact, inherit more from me than your fair share.

-When putting a fitted sheet on a bed, you will always – no matter what – have it the wrong way first. But then when you move it the other way you’ll realize that, damnit, you had it the right way the first time. Trust your instincts.

-If you need to do laundry and must pay with quarters, watch out for the machines with the washer and dryer combined. Should you select washer when you really mean dryer after inserting your very last quarter, there is no turning back. Pay attention.

-It should be considered impressive if you can drink a whole bottle of red wine by yourself. Go for it.

-Contrary to popular belief, your Aunt Katherine is not the geekiest person alive. And yes she and Mommy are actually related. No matter what: Do not let her take you to a Star Trek convention.

-Contrary to popular belief, your Uncle Michael is not the hairest American living in Fra…oh wait, I suppose he is. But either way: Do not let Aunt Katherine take you to a Star Trek convention.

-Which is quicker – walking to the summit of a mountain on foot or taking the B line express train? Sit next to smart people in high school…and get good at the “oh I dropped my pencil” lean.

-When faced with a challenge in life, ask good questions. Think about the possibilities and weigh your options. Otherwise, how will you choose the tastiest beer?

-If nothing else, learn the robot dance. There ain’t a soul on earth that won’t think you’re cool.

With all my love. Mommy

The Labor Party

So it’s Labor Day. It’s gorgeous out. I’m happy to be (a) alive (b) employed and (c) not working today. I am good enough at my job to not get fired I suppose. But here are some jobs I am confident I would suck at and, consequently, would be fired from:

Talk show host – I detest celebrities. I zone out mid-conversation. I am just no good at faking it with anything that doesn’t interest me. So I’d be really bad at holding a conversation with Martha Stewart about napkin rings without asking who the fuck cares about napkin rings.

Carpenter – If anyone has ever had the misfortune of seeing me use tools, you’ll understand. For anyone else, just imagine a drunk monkey trying to play Jenga.

Wedding Planner – "I’m sorry…what day did you think you were getting married? Oh hmmm, it seems I wrote down the following weekend on this Snickers wrapper here…"

Professional Golfer – "Let me get this straight, there’s no windmill? And I’m supposed to get this… in there? From... here?"

Sex Therapist – A tutor perhaps, yes. And I like to think I’d make a damn fine sex tutor. But a therapist? Like where I can’t laugh at people?

Prima Ballerina – Picture me in a pink tutu with one hand in the air and one foot on the bar. Now picture me in a spaghetti-stained tutu with one hand on a beer at a shady bar. Which makes more sense?

Waldo - "Must you always be looking for me?"

Sign Language Interpreter - I'd start making stuff up just to see if anyone was paying attention. And I'm pretty sure that teaching the hearing-impaired audience about my "Sex Tutor of the Year" award during a lecture about global warming wouldn't be appreciated.

Blogger - Case in point.