My friends have a blog for their children. And that’s really nice. But I have no children. If I did, however, here’s what I would say to them:
Dear Children,
First, I hope you get your genes from the paternal side. I mean, really, all of them. But I’ve thought of a few life lessons should you, in fact, inherit more from me than your fair share.
-When putting a fitted sheet on a bed, you will always – no matter what – have it the wrong way first. But then when you move it the other way you’ll realize that, damnit, you had it the right way the first time. Trust your instincts.
-If you need to do laundry and must pay with quarters, watch out for the machines with the washer and dryer combined. Should you select washer when you really mean dryer after inserting your very last quarter, there is no turning back. Pay attention.
-It should be considered impressive if you can drink a whole bottle of red wine by yourself. Go for it.
-Contrary to popular belief, your Aunt Katherine is not the geekiest person alive. And yes she and Mommy are actually related. No matter what: Do not let her take you to a Star Trek convention.
-Contrary to popular belief, your Uncle Michael is not the hairest American living in Fra…oh wait, I suppose he is. But either way: Do not let Aunt Katherine take you to a Star Trek convention.
-Which is quicker – walking to the summit of a mountain on foot or taking the B line express train? Sit next to smart people in high school…and get good at the “oh I dropped my pencil” lean.
-When faced with a challenge in life, ask good questions. Think about the possibilities and weigh your options. Otherwise, how will you choose the tastiest beer?
-If nothing else, learn the robot dance. There ain’t a soul on earth that won’t think you’re cool.
With all my love. Mommy
