Per Diem

At least once a day I…

- Trip over my own feet

- Screw up words that come in pairs, such as “yesterday” and “tomorrow”

- Forget what I am wearing and challenge myself to recall before looking

- Discover something obvious that I should have figured out years ago, such as why Mens Wearhouse is a clever company name

- Fear that I have passed my exit off the Pike after making fun of other drivers for being stupid

- Unscrew the cap to my water bottle too quickly, have it slip from my hands, fall onto my lap, drop to the floor, and roll far underneath my desk

- Go spelunking for said cap carefully amid fear that co-workers have seen my buttcrack a few too many times

- Consider washing the carpet lint off my bottle cap yet decide not to

- Wonder why I often cough up carpet lintballs