Simple Freedom

Up until now my writing has been rather self-deprecating and off-center. I don’t know why that is, but I don’t think I have the energy for it anymore. Perhaps I'm letting go of that.

It is 3:30 am, and I was just awoken to the sound of music. It is the Fourth of July… or, more accurately, it will be once tomorrow begins. (Or is it today? Whether this is this still the end of one day or the beginning of another I can’t yet be certain.)

The music that woke me was one song. One song played loudly throughout a sleeping urban neighborhood. One song played in its entirety. And yes, one song only.

This was no accident. I imagine whoever made the decision to play this "one song" pondered the tradeoff between neighborhood serenity and personal desire, a subtle bargaining with conscience. I imagine this person clinging desperately to the rules until hitting a breaking point, and at that point - in a drunken daze in the middle of the night, perhaps - forgoing the rules for the thrill of music. And strangely, to whoever made this decision... I applaud you.

If there’s one thing I can relate to, it’s the passion for music and the emotional intensity it brings. So good for you for letting go of it all - momentarily - for the sheer pleasure of hearing a song you love. Talk about freedom.

And this made me think of freedom in different terms. It’s too late (or early?) to consider the political freedom implicit in today’s celebration of our country’s independence. It’s too complex to analyze the state of the world relative to our nation or the detriment this freedom may have brought - or may continue to bring - to others. It’s too philosophical to debate the balance between personal freedom and expression (such as playing music loudly) and infringing on someone else.

But I can think in simple terms at 4 am: I can think of being free.

I have the good fortune to be free from so many things. I am generally free from financial and emotional worry, from loneliness, from the strain of poor health, from feelings of loss and sadness. In the terms of FDR, I am free from want and fear. And yes, I too am often free to play music loudly and enjoy the activities and people I love best.

What more freedom is there?

Happy Fourth of July. I hope you have freedom as you need it most.

A Mouthful

For the past year and half I have been insanely busy. I have been getting shit done left, right, and center. In fact, I’ve hardly had a moment where I wasn't productive.

You see, while you have been deep in a pink-fairy-filled slumber, I have been making great strides. You may not know this, but every night into the wee hours of the morning, I've toiled. I’ve struggled. I've single-handedly moved what seem like mountains. I have …

Straightened my teeth.

It's true. And here's why: My parents didn’t love me enough to get me braces as a kid. Or, ok, maybe they figured with boy haircuts, an inability to divide fractions, invisible friends, and a hamster named after Joan Jett, crooked teeth were the least of my problems. Anyway, such was my youth.

Then one day… yes ONE DAY… I looked at my 30-year-old self in the mirror and thought “Jesus, is THAT why I am single?!” **

This is what I saw:


YIKES!!!! And thus, the quest. Thus, the Invisalign.

If you don't know much about Invisalign, here's the skinny. Imagine a series of plastic retainer-like pieces each worn for two weeks. With the exception of eating and drinking, they should be worn at all times. (Yes, ahem, all times.) They're easy to clean, assuming you're not embarrassed to buy old lady denture tabs. They're virtually unnoticable, as long as you ignore the lisp and renegade spittle. And, sure, they're easy to remove, if you're ok with a string of drool landing on your chin. (And where to put them at those fancy cocktail parties?) Mine have floated in many a cup in many a friend or girlfriend's home. They have have fallen into icky public sinks. One set mysteriously disappeared on a Jet Blue flight. Ugh, it hasn't been pretty. . . but look at these results!

This is me now:



Stunning huh!

Thank you Invisalign!

** Note, through extensive research it has been determined that this is not, in fact, why I am single.

Thanksgiving Crossword Puzzle

Ten-Dencies

Top 10 Reasons I Make a Great Winter Girlfriend

10. I give off an alarming amount of body heat when I sleep. Imagine the savings on your heating bill!

9. I look really cute in a scarf and hat. And snotsicles bring out the blue in my eyes.

8. If you keep those gigantic gloves on, you won’t notice my winterweight when you grab my ass.

7. I don’t ski … or ice skate… or snowboard… or ice fish… or build igloos. I can spend every single minute with you! Yep. Every. Single. Minute.

6. Don't worry, I promise not to stick my tongue to a metal pole this year. (Those dancers can be sooo uptight!)

5. If your friends make fun of my goofy walk, you can blame it on the icy streets.

4. I appreciate that nothing warms and comforts your sweet little soul like a nice cup of hot cocoa. Wait, how about a big ol’ shot a’ whiskey instead?

3. Um, yes, I am free on New Years.

2. In the warm glow of a romantic fire, you might not notice I’m wearing a toupee.

1. My winter-dry skin = your chance to rub in the lotion!

It's Friday Quiz Time!!!

Today’s Question - What happened to the rest of the mini Mounds bars?

A: remain in “WTF” formation to the left of the question mark

B: donated to the less fortunate … who then passed them off to teachers, fathers, librarians and grandparents

C: ran off to raise hell about Almond Joy getting all the nuts

D: confiscated by angry, washed up singer who can't accept that only Peter and Paul made the wrapper

E: frozen and used as hockey puck for geometrically-challenged hockey team

F: unwrapped, shellacked, and strung to make aesthetically pleasing house arrest anklet

G: used as shoes for Mr. Potato Head who insists blue is not his color

H: none of the above (and none of your damn business!)

Halloween Candy Meltdown

Ok seriously. Has anyone noticed any eerie changes to Halloween candy lately? Well I have - the fun size candy bars are noticeably less fun than they used to be. What’s the deal with that? In 1988 it was a few good solid bites. And now? A nibble and half, tops.

That hardly sounds like fun to me. And it's been documented:



And while I’m at it, let me point out that I’m not crazy about King Size either. Why is it either regular (i.e., totally not enough) or King Size (i.e., embarrassing to be seen with in public)? How about something in the middle? And why only “King” and not "Queen"? I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen a lot of fat ass Queens in my days. And Queen size panty hose? Enormous!

I propose a simple candy bar hierarchy – King, Queen, Prince. What a great idea! And the beauty is that we can safely assume that most people selecting the King Size candy bar would also select (ok, require) a king size bed. Oh the logic and simplicity! The same could be true for the Queen. But, oh wait, the Prince. Uh, hmm… nope, no Prince size bed. It's full, isn't it? What the hell is full? What exactly is filling these beds?

This reminds me of a deck of cards. Sure, there’s a King and Queen. But no Prince, no Full. Just a Jack. Jack???

Ugh, why does everything have to be so complicated!? Why can’t my deck of cards include a Full? Why can’t I sleep on a Jack size bed if I damn well please? And why can't I have a Queen size candy bar?!

Sheesh! Ok . . . I'm calming down now. Sorry, I hope I didn't spook you too much. Anyway, Happy Halloween! (But if you notice that Halloween isn't quite as fun this year, it's totally because of the "not so" fun size candy bars. That's all I'm sayin'.)

Free to a good human

One internal alarm clock. 1976 model, made in the USA, minor wear and tear, otherwise in very good condition. Guaranteed nightly wakings between 2:30 and 3:30 a.m. No setting necessary!

WARNING

May cause minor to severe lethargy and/or frustration. Internal alarm clock affects other parts of the body and may lead to any of the following:

overactive bladder

minor thirst

excessive focus on life’s big questions

unbridled creativity

inexplicable ability to mimic drug-induced mental images

undue recollection of embarrassing moments and social faux pas

sudden interest in ironing pants

inexplicable need to locate stuffed Snoopy

frequent replay of crowd-pleasing jokes and shining moments

Not to be used in lieu of regular alarm clock. Will not prevent oversleeping or serve any other practical purpose.

Free to good human. Easy to install. No battery required.

I can deliver!! Need to get rid of ASAP to make room for newer model.

Vocabula - RE Lesson

Good afternoon, class! Last week we learned that the prefix “re-” means “to do again.” You all did a great job with new words like rewrite, rethink, and rebuild. Congratulations!

Let’s have some more fun! Here are this week’s words used in a sentence to help you understand the meaning:

1. Yes, that’s true. The original mission was in June. But since we were unable to catch a coelacanth we’re going to have to request in November.

2. Why would I resign? You already have my signature on the petition.

3. I totally screwed up my lines during the first take. So I had to react.

4. Losing one of my limbs is unfortunate, yes. But the doctors are confident they can rearm me with a prosthesis.

5. Just in case any of our Hot Bod ‘08 judges missed it in the first round, we would like you to reflex your muscles.

6. Let me tell you I was fine when I was in my 20s. Since then, ok, I’ve let myself go. But it’s my goal to refine myself - I joined Jenny Craig!

7. If we fixed it once, we can fix it again. I don’t know why it came apart, but we’ll just have to refuse it.

8. I know you just put it there. But I liked it better where it was. Would you please remove it?

9. It was an innocent remark. Sorry, I didn’t mean to trace over your line.

10. Are you serious?! I just tried on my new Mrs. Garrett wig for you five minutes ago. You really want me to remodel it?

Isn’t it wonderful how crystal-clear and consistent the English language is? There are only a few rules to learn, and all rules apply at all times.

There will be a quiz on Friday. Good luck! I’m sure you’ll do re-re-re-really well!

And the winner is....

Time Magazine's 2008 winner of the (Dreadfully Overused!) Phrase of the Fall:

SHORE UP

Definition: strengthen, ensure, bolster

Usage: verb (1) “Shore up the economy” (2) “Shore up voters”

Etymology: Latin – shorus meaning “give government” and upus meaning “too much power in.” Also, shorus meaning “persuade using” and upus meaning “dirty campaign ads.”

Honorable mentions:
Financial meltdown
Joe six-pack
That one
Atom smasher
Market free fall
Georgia the country, dumbass
Joe the Plumber
Russia from my backyard

2007 winner:
Wide stance

Life's Little Paths

Today I was forced to take a good, hard look at some of my actions. It was gloriously autumnal here in New England. The air was cool, the leaves crisp, the sky blue. Something felt calm, almost soothing to me. I was confident, quick, and in control.

But even on such a serene day, it is amazing how quickly things can change. How one moment without direction can have such an impact.

And because of that fleeting moment I was later forced to ask myself critical questions –What was I thinking? What do I do next?

How did I get here – alone, lost, standing at the crossroads?

How did I get here – cold, scared, eager to get home?

No really, how the fuck did I get here – sweating, tired, dressed in running shorts and a t-shirt in 50 degrees in the middle of the woods?

And how the hell do I get back to my car? Shit. I have no idea.

Ok, think Melissa, think. Does that root look familiar? Do you remember that tree? That curve? Did you leave a trail of breadcrumbs? Reese’s Pieces?

Perhaps the worst and most embarrassing part of this journey is that I was on a marked trail. I was on the blue trail. After 25 minutes, I turned around on the blue trail to retrace my steps and head back. Yet, strangely, 20 minutes later I found myself on the blue trail headed in the original direction – away from my car, as if I had never turned around at all. What the hell? Did I do a 360 instead of a 180? What is this netherworld of trails? And why am I passing that old couple again?

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by. Or maybe I didn't. Or maybe I did.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took... hmm... uh, that one? Or was it that one? Shit.

Fortunately, after much retracing, rerunning, and inquiring… er, I mean soul-searching, I was able to find my way. And eventually I was able to make my way home.

As for the bigger questions though, I still have no idea. I still don’t know what I was thinking. I honestly don’t know how I got there. But I suppose that’s the deeper, more meaningful element of running I have finally experienced.