Soap Box

Why doesn’t soap lather right away? Has soap ever started working at the very moment you needed it? For me it hasn’t. I always have to convince soap to get its ass in gear and bargain by allowing playtime with that pesky friend hot water first. And often I get stuck doing the heavy lifting – even though it’s soap’s job to lather, I have to do 2 or 3 pre-rubbins before soap is willing to do anything!

As I see it, a bar of soap’s got one job to do – lather up. In the past, I’ve been frustrated by its sluggishness. But today I became more forgiving. I had a revelation. You see, soap is just like … well…just like you and me.

Just like us, soap’s got a job to do. But soap isn’t passionate about it. Soap’s tired of doing the same thing over and over. Soap needs variety and inspiration. Soap would prefer to sleep in, and soap really doesn’t want to work weekends.

And just like us, soap’s not ready to work right away. Sure, soap appeared ready to go and was in the right spot, but maybe soap was checking email. Maybe soap had bills to pay or coffee to drink. Maybe soap reflected on its feelings, or read the news, or donated to a charity, or tried to sneak in a nap sitting up. Maybe soap was hungover, or hungry, or hunted down by a cheetah last night. We can’t know for sure.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying soap isn’t accountable. I’m just saying maybe we should think about how much we all have in common. Maybe we should be more forgiving of the shortcomings of soap. We’re in this together, you know. It’s one world…and a clean one, I hope.

Walk This Way

Sometimes different occasions call for different walks. Here are some of them:

The "No really, I’ve been this far ahead the whole time" – He’s five feet in front of you. He opens the door, goes casually through the doorway, lets the door slam in your face, and suddenly RACES away like there’s no tomorrow. Poof! A superspeed departure. Well of course he couldn’t hold the door -- look how far away he is! And there you have it, the "No really, I’ve been this far ahead the whole time."

The "Is it safe?" – You know this one. The prospective fartor appears to be walking steadily, facing straight ahead. Then…ever so slightly…the head turns to the left. To the common observer this is of no use, but trained eyes know this motion serves a purpose - to detect the presence of another individual nearby. In other words, "Is it safe?"

The "Let me check myself out" – Reflective glass can be very dangerous. You may appear to be looking at the person next to you, but you give yourself away when the person next to you is, well, no longer next to you. Yet you’re still staring at reflective glass. Hence the "Let me check myself out."

The "Step aside please - I am sooo in a hurry" – If you just looked at the top half, it might look like someone was actually in a rush. But the bottom half gives it all away. Frantically swinging arms, a frenzied expression, and the ole lean-forward don’t do crap unless there’s a concerted physical effort toward increasing speed. So if the legs aren’t on board and are just moseying along, you’ve got yourself a case of "Step aside please - I am sooo in a hurry."

The "OMG! I can’t believe one just slipped out" – Not to be confused with the "Is it safe?" the OMG occurs when something escapes without warning, and you’re not sure what the consequences may be. You gotta get out of there! This is often characterized by crocodilian zigzag motion and suddenly ducking behind fake plants. Yep, the all too familiar "OMG I can’t believe one just slipped out."