Catch a New Episode!

Imagine the catastrophic implications of corporate email sent WITHOUT using SpellCheck!

Picture last night’s leftovers eaten by a SCAVENGING co-worker!

Envision your cubemate’s waste baskets FILLED with documents YOU intended to keep!

Visualize your office water cooler with a GOLDFISH swimming in it!

Catch it all on Office Girls Gone Wild Tuesdays at 9pm.

Ever wonder whose cellphone ring tone is “Boot Scootin’ Boogie”? Curious about who inter-officed you that grilled cheese sandwich? Here’s a clue - She’s an Office Girl Gone Wild, and she’s coming to your cube!

Watch this week’s episode of Office Girls Gone Wild: Drama at the Copy Machine – see the madness that ensues after an outright refusal to restock the paper!

(And next week on Office Girls Gone Wild… A Special Quarterly Earnings Episode!!!

Top line growth has a whole new meaning!)

Heart Healthy Tips

There is a certain beauty to the taco salad bowl. It’s deliciously light and crispy, and I’m pretty sure that if you eat enough of them you get a free angioplasty. So since they’re so dangerously delectable, here are some tips to eliminating or minimizing your taco salad bowl (henceforth, the “TSB”) intake.

First, the best thing is to avoid eating any TSB. In all possible cases, keep this as your goal. One option is to request your salad sans bowl (TS-B), but then you’d be eating taco salad off the table - and that is never a good look. Instead, control yourself. Don’t take that first bite. Don’t … give…in - once you do it’s all downhill. Remember, abstinence is the best policy. Oh wait, that’s honesty… whatever, abstinence is the only foolproof way to prevent TSB intake.

Second, don’t trick yourself with that whole “Oh, let me stab this piece of “chicken” … oh oops hey look there’s TSB on my fork!” thing. You know it isn’t chicken under that piece of lettuce, so don’t bother pretending! Don’t play games with TSB. TSB will always win.

Third, don’t allow delicious sour cream and guacamole to make contact with the TSB. This combination is too yummy and powerful to ignore. There is an unspoken international law that you must consume all affected parts of the TSB should these forces meet.

Fourth, in the event that you do give in to TSB temptation, break a small piece off and discard the remaining contraband. Don’t kid yourself by tearing off a piece the size of a large index card under the guise of eating a piece the size of a Post-It note. It won’t work. Repeat after me - TSB is like kryptonite.

Finally, when all else fails, make a clean break. Just take a deep breath, admit there are some things around which you are powerless, and take a step back. Step away from the bowl. Senora, put the fork down and step away from the bowl.

Your heart will thank you.

Trash Talk

How is it that all garbage smells the same? No matter what the hell it is, it all breeds the universal stench of … garbage. I don’t get it. I discard coffee grinds, a banana peel (so I wouldn't slip!), wrapping from my raw salmon filet, four tissues and a cashew that fell on the ground. Within 24 hours this combination smells exactly the same as 6 discarded lemon wedges, a slice of old cheese, my expired Bed Bath & Beyond 20% off coupon that I think I will use but never do, half a piece of peanut butter toast, 3 egg shells, and one peach pit. How could this be?

Retro Four Play

If you morphed the celebrities pictured above, you would get which of the following:

a. a formidable Scrabble opponent
b. a very bad choice for the new 2008 postage stamp
c. the replacement host of "The Price is Right" once Drew Carey is fired for groping
d. guaranteed kegstands every night of the year
e. my current hairdo

A Lesson in Ice

I was a restless kid with a penchant for experimenting. I really liked snow cones but never got the beloved Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker.

Picture it - Melissa, age 9, a hot summer day in Florida,1985.

I looked a little like this:

(Though you may have expected more like this:)

Anyway, the fact that I was a child beauty queen once featured on a Metamucil commercial with Bea Arthur and have kept it a secret is irrelevant. The point is that I really wanted a snow cone. And since blenders in 1985 (well, especially ours, probably from 1961) lacked sufficient power for chopping ice I had to be resourceful. That’s when it occurred to me – “I’ll use the meat grinder to chop ice into the perfect snow cone consistency. I’m a genius!”

Alas though, total failure. But the worst part isn’t lack of frozen goodness – it’s that I broke the meat grinder in the process. Apparently there is quite a difference between soft, supple cow ass and solid blocks of frozen water. And that meat grinder put up quite a fight before its death! So I non-chalantly put it back in the cabinet thinking I could get away with it. In my little Catholic-school brain I thought nobody would notice that the odd bearded kid (oops, I mean the beauty queen) blew up the motor. Surely if they found the meat grinder carcass they would just assume it had lived a good life and its time had come. We’re a very spiritual people, you know.

Unfortunately, my parents weren’t as easily fooled as I hoped (those heathens!). I don’t recall exactly how or why, but they were onto me. I confessed.

But as I told them that day, the lesson was not that I used something that wasn’t mine, for something other than its intended purpose, broke it, and then was dishonest and tried to hide the devastation. See, the lesson was very simple:

If someone had just bought me that stupid Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker that I really really wanted in the first place, this never would have happened.

See, people say blogging is meaningless, but there's a lesson you can carry with you for life. Viva la Snoopy!