The Dirty Half Dozen

This weekend I bought a half dozen organic eggs for $2.29. Apparently, in the egg world (the henhouse, if you will) this is the new going price. But if you ask me, for $2.29 the eggs should scramble themselves and then tell me how good looking I am. I know, I sound more like Archie Bunker than the ultra-cool, urban-hipster I could be ... if only I weren't totally uncool in my Aunt Jemima bandanna and tank top from 1998 as I type about buying eggs after a weekend without a hot date.

Anyway, had there been a cheaper option -- or had I been paying attention -- I certainly would have gone for it. But, alas, it seems the half-dozen-89-cents-guys are a thing of the past, at least around here.

So this got me thinking...what could be so much better about these eggs than the good old fashioned cheap ones? And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn't the eggs so much as the chickens. Apparently there is quite a difference between the types of chickens producing the eggs.

It seems I have been buying eggs from chickens like this:

These would be considered your run of the mill hooker chickens. Their eggs are cheaper, grittier, and may or may not contain cigarette butts.

But what I was unaware of is that classy people buy eggs from chickens like this:

This would be the very elite, corporate attorney chicken. And their eggs are purely delightful! They're simply pleasureful! Exceptional!

Ok, sure, they don't tell me how good looking I am, but I feel good looking when I eat them. And that, my friends, is all that matters. If an egg produced from a chicken carrying a Burberry purse can make me feel pretty (and witty, and gay!) then, damnit, that's worth $2.29. So screw you, Archie.

Green Confession

I don’t have many dark secrets. I’m a pretty good girl and a decent citizen. I play by the rules (except when they’re stupid) and use appropriate table manners (except when they’re stupid and rhyme with “mopsticks”). But I do have something that may shock you – I stole avocados from Stop & Shop...sort of.

And the worst part is I did it knowingly.

Here’s why. I made a quick trip last Friday. I had more than 12 items and was, therefore, overqualified for the express lane (see, I follow the rules). Yet the regular checkout lanes were far too slow for an impatient thief like me. So I went with the self checkout. (I figured after checking myself out in the reflective glass of the frozen food section for so long, what could be better?) So yep, me, checking myself out.

And everything went ok until the last item -- the dreaded avocados. I put the little bastards on the scale and selected the menu options for produce. I tried the “A’s” about six times – hell, I even tried the “H” for Hass and “R” for ripe and some other illogical letter like "W" for WTF? with no luck. But nope, no avocados in the system. What would you do? Ask for help? Put them back and move on?

I think you all would have done exactly what I did -- I chose limes, 3 for a dollar. I did. And I don’t regret it. I was prepared to play dumb if needed because there was no way I was leaving without my avocados or asking for help. I figured avocados are green, limes are green. Of course these are limes!

So I am an avocado thief. But I figure Stop & Shop deserved it for (a) not having avocados in the system and (b) overcharging me for my Triscuits that were supposed to be on sale but weren’t. Two for five dollars my ass.

So that's my way of sticking it to the man. Please don't think less of me. Guacamole anyone?