Help Wanted - Ghost Writer

Position overview – Since the founder of Tales of My Ordinary Life is suffering a lack of creativity and insight, a Ghost Writer is needed for the maintenance of her beloved blog. The Ghost Writer will focus solely on blog content and will aim to delight readers and increase circulation in FY2007. The Ghost Writer will take ownership to seamlessly integrate his/her posts within existing content in a manner that is both undetectable and entertaining.

Responsibilities –

1. Assist with ongoing projects as needed and in the absence of project leader
2. Produce insightful commentary on a variety of topics and upload content regularly using online tools
3. Incorporate themes into posts and synthesize writing to create content that is both intellectually brilliant and astoundingly witty. Make frequent references to the nationality of your forbearers on an ongoing basis.
4. Utilize creativity to optimize blog experience for readers. Add stupid hyperlinks to posts. Be prepared to accept the fact that, although they are quite humorous and you often laugh while selecting them, very few will click on hyperlinks. Almost none will laugh.
5. Select random pictures from the internet that Al Gore invented. Modify pictures using PowerPoint and other technology. Create enhancements such as the Corporate Ass Chair to facilitate learning and a deeper understanding of your ideas.
6. Analyze feedback from readers and interpret behavior accordingly. Interpret comments such as, “I didn’t laugh once” to mean “That is the funniest thing I ever read!” or “You’re an idiot” to mean “I love you but just don’t have the courage to tell you.”

Required traits -

Sense of humor

Creativity

Strong work ethic

Real good English

Desired traits -

Of Polish background (familiarity with pierogies will also be considered)

Irritable and cranky

Ability to identify areas of opportunity and bring current ideas, such as how people posing James Dean-style against a wall trying to look cool totally ruined it for people who really just need to lean against a wall like that to fruition

Appreciation for Oreos

Willingness to persevere in the face of adversity…or when you know nobody clicks on hyperlinks

Previous experience driving behind stupid people

Strong writing skills…or, well, just not abysmal

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Please note: This is a temporary position.

Salary: zilcho

Benefits: nada

Opportunity for advancement: not so much

Communication Breakdown

I’m a little lispy right now because I am getting my teeth fixed. Yes, as you might guess, it’s pretty hot. So I think I need to create a lisping keyboard to mirror the actual sounds coming out of my mouth. I would call it the “Lithpingth Keyboardh.”

I think the whole “Hello???” phone-answering method is outdated. What exactly are we answering anyway? It seems we answer whatever it is with another question. I was always taught not to answer a question with a question. So this makes no sense to me.

At one point “Hello???” was necessary because nobody knew who was on the other end. It sounds a little unsure, a little unclear. (I’m sure Alexander Graham Bell thought of caller ID but just didn’t have the time…what with all the crackers and all.) So now that we have caller ID I think we can officially drop the tentative “Hello???” And yes, we have some super cool alternative greetings in recognition of the caller. But in general I say people are clinging to the “Hello???” whether they know who it is or not.

I hate when I log into my Yahoo email and it reads, “Welcome, Melissa! You have 0 unread messages.” Do I really need an exclamation point? I hardly think that is something to be excited about.

I don’t understand why “email” can be a verb, yet “voicemail” cannot. They both make great nouns. I read my email. I checked my voicemail. (Why are we always “checking” our voicemail? What are we checking for? Termites? The mumps?) So nouns are good. But verbs? Not so much. One could say, “Hey I emailed you yesterday,” but only a tool would say “Hey, I voicemailed you yesterday.”

When leaving a voicemail (or, should I say “When voicemailing someone…”?) the “It’s me” isn’t necessary. It is? If I know you well enough to warrant “It’s me” status then you really don’t have to tell me it’s you…do you? I'll probably figure that one out. Nobody ever says “Hi, it’s me” in an email. But I think this will be my new thing just to prove a point.

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P.S. It’s me.

Excuses, excuses

Oh no. Crap. It’s been a long time since my last blog post. You see, this is the pressure I have to deal with as a blogger. So now it’s a few weeks later and I should write about something … anything … to get the ball rolling again. But what? Whatever will I write about?

I am afraid I may have lost some of you. I know, it’s like you had your little food dish and then – poof!!! - I moved it. I’m sorry. I really am. And I don’t even have any great insight to offer, no good stories, no observations, no witty humor. All I can offer, I suppose, is excuses.

So here they are:

-My finger dyslexia is out of control. As a result, my posts are so illegible that deciphering would require a secret decoder ring. And I’m all out of those.

-All knowledge of the following topics has been mysteriously erased from humankind: Oreos, slow drivers, Natalie Merchant, office life, being Polish, poor home-ownership skills, hotties. This doesn’t leave much for me to write about, now does it?

-I have run off with Natalie Merc…well crap!

-I really have been posting…you just need your eyes checked there, Mr. Magoo!

-While in France I ate too much escargot and have since become inexplicably sl-o-o-o-o-w.

-Like my mother always warned, I made an ugly face and it stuck. So I was on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition because they are building me a sweet new house without mirrors.

-I have TB and am preparing to make my worldwide tour.

Sorry. That's all I got. But it will get better... I promise.