Reagan, Parks, Ford, Brown. And Me...

Notable individuals who made great contributions to our society or culture often receive the honor of lying in state for public viewing upon their death. Ronald Reagan and Rosa Parks are recent examples, and this week Gerald Ford received such an honor at the Capital Rotunda in Washington, DC. That’s pretty cool.

James Brown’s body will lie in state too. And his deal is awesome because his body will lie in state at the Apollo Theater. The Apollo Theater – with that weird Tree of Hope that performers rub for good luck and Showtime at the Apollo with the raucous crowds fervently booing amateurs off the stage – what is cooler and more American than rubbin’ stumps and harassin’ strangers? Rotunda Shmotunda, I say! Compared to James Brown, Gerald Ford got the rough end of the pineapple.

But all this talk of lying in state has made me think – where will my body lie in state upon my death?

Sure, I haven’t actually contributed anything to society. Sure, I enter through exit doors, laugh at nuns driving cars, and use my free address labels without ever donating to the cause. Sure, I use too many natural resources and made my own ozone-layer hole with AquaNet hairspray in middle school. And, ok, sure there is a slight chance I am to blame for the Exxon Valdez oil spill (sources say I brought the beer, but I say they have no proof). And, ok, that was me who stole The Scream (but they got it back!), started the rumor about Richard Gere and the gerbil, and was solely responsible for the launching of New Coke.

Hmm…now that I think about it, maybe I don’t deserve to lie in state. How could this be? My mother will be so disappointed. But maybe I can make some changes in coming years. Or maybe by the time I die everyone will lie in state, just like everyone wins a ribbon at field day or the dumbest student receives the “Most Spirited” award.

Is it possible there will be no formal viewing of my body at the Gap, in the truckbed of a coffee farmer exploited by Starbucks, or at the Nabisco factory on a sea of Triscuits? Well maybe I don’t want to lie in state anyway!

So there…