September was a rough month for me. It wasn’t too dramatic or emotional, and I didn’t face any life-altering decisions. But September was difficult for another reason – I had two consecutive Ugly Weeks!
Ugly Week – N: Period of inexplicable unattractiveness. Invariably occurs in conjunction with social events with people you hope to impress, hot dates, job interviews, high school reunions, photo shoots, Nobel Prize acceptance speeches, etc. (see also: “ugly day” or “just stay home”)
The characteristics (and for your reading pleasure, within a historical context):
1. The Civil War – This is the philosophical battle within one’s hairdo. Although neither is necessarily right or wrong, the two factions just can’t seem to agree on basic issues, such as (a) Are we straight or curly? Poofy or flat? (b) What kind of texture do we think is best? or (c) In what general direction are we hoping to flow?
The war produces a Medusa-like moptop, and the only hope is a ponytail, a turban, or house arrest.
2. Yellow Fever (AKA uni-color for blondes) – Fair-skinned blondes have a tough time when Yellow Fever strikes. Yellow Fever is a dulling of pigment resulting in a lack of contrast between hair and skin, a less intense eye color, and pale lips. The result is a blob of colorless, undefined features – not so pretty.
3. The Maginot Line – The Maginot Line is critical during an Ugly Week because it is a key focal point. Maginot Line issues occur when a Civil War battle reaches the hairline, resulting in goofy cowlicks, asymmetry, or Lenny and Squiggy curls (note: ponytails only accentuate the problem). It has been clinically proven that during an Ugly Week, everyone IS, in fact, staring at the Maginot Line.
4. Western Expansion – Sometimes it is impossible to control the boundaries of the human body. Western Expansion is the sudden creep into new frontiers by the head, cheeks, or ass. Western Expansion may lead to measuring and re-measuring the diameter of one’s head or ass or frequently asking, “Does my ___ look larger than it did 5 minutes ago?” (Although nobody will admit it, I can tell by the frightened look that the answer is yes)
5. Repatriation – The cruel external force that initiates the Ugly Week is in complete control of its termination. During an Ugly Week, all efforts at improvement are rendered useless, and one will always be returned to the ugly state. Repatriation is heartbreaking. If one leaves for work looking good, one will, in fact, exhibit symptoms 1-4 by the time of arrival. Think starting over with a shower will help? Think again.
So to all of you who supported me during this time, I thank you. The Ugly Weeks have since passed (but are likely to strike again). It couldn’t have been easy for you to look at my giant head or into my drab eyes without wondering what the hell was wrong with me.
And I sincerely thank you for not asking why I started wearing a turban.
