My first guest star!!!
I want to be your guest blogger. I know it’s a lofty dream, but call me crazy. Wait, let me take my ex-lax. Ok, now I’m ready.
I woke up today irritable. I felt fat- my pants were too tight. Like stretch at the seams, short in the legs tight. Keep in mind that these were corduroys that I bought while shopping with you, Melissa. I even hazarded to think when I bought them “Huh, I wonder if I should get these in a smaller size, there a little big in the butt.” Thank god I didn’t, because now it’s me who’s a “little big in the butt”. So I get to work today and figure I’ll weigh myself. I mean what the hell, I’m already planning on having a bad day anyway. 10 POUNDS!!! I have gained 10 POUNDS since November. And these are not retaining-water-10-pounds. No. These are Thanksgiving dinner-3 Christmas dinner (divorced family)-whole box of chocolates-steak and potatoes-quitting smoking-10 pounds.
After a day spent grumbling at my desk (while playing Spider Solitaire), I decide I’ll go to the drug store on my way home and get some laxatives. Not to lose the WHOLE ten pounds, just to start it off. So I get to Rite-Aid and decide to buy some nail polish remover too, since only one of my hands is manicured (long story). As I’m waiting in line, holding the remover and the Ex-Lax, I come to a realization. When buying something like laxatives, you have to buy something else too. It’s like that something else somehow masks the fact that you’re buying laxatives, or enemas, or condoms. Lessens it somehow, the fact that you’re going to go home and poop a lot, of have sex with someone who may or may not have an STD. So while I’m standing there thinking about all this, I see a creepy looking couple and their 2 year-old waiting near me at the pharmacy. The son had wandered away, and I heard the father snap at him, and tell him to “get over here”. I looked at the boy, and he was in front of the condom section holding a box of Ribbed for Her Pleasure Trojans. I thought to myself ...
“Now why didn’t your father think of that?”
