10 Lessons from the Road

1. After parking in the airport lot at 5 am: Signs that read “You MUST take your parking ticket with you” should not be carelessly ignored. (Further explanation that parking must be paid inside the terminal prior to returning to one’s car does not exist.)

2. In the airport: Guns don’t move people. People movers move people.

3. In the security line: 1 fluid oz of lotion is a significant threat to airline safety and must be discarded. (It seems suspicious passengers always have soft hands.)

4. While using the hotel phone (next to the toilet!): Others might not be as amused.

5. In a pinch: Shampoo. Body wash. Same thing. (Note: Shampoo. Mouth wash. Not the same thing.)

6. During snack time: Thirsty people receive a thimble-sized cup overflowing with ice. Not so thirsty people receive a giant, bottomless can that requires substantial effort to finish and will certainly be spilled.

7. While waiting to leave the plane: Cell phone conversations about pink scooters will seem strange to other passengers in the cabin.

8. After returning to the drop off area once efforts to locate one’s parked car prove futile:

(a) Desperately pointing to the crucial walkway in the sky and asking a kind stranger (with a funny accent), “But how do I get there!!!” will, no doubt, give the impression of stupidity.

(b) The inability to answer any parking-related questions, such as “Which level do you need?” or “Where is your car located?” will not help the situation.

9. When lost in the parking garage: Spotting a friend from work is a good sign. Spotting a friend from work who is also lost is a good sign that company hiring policy should, perhaps, be revised.

10. Finally, in the comfort of home: Another evening of beer and Triscuits following the sad realization that no secret refrigerator-stocking fairy visited is very disappointing.